The last few weeks after my birthday has been chaotic for me mentally. I’m going to start in April of 2018, where I stopped signing into facebook.
The reasons behind logging out of FB has been mostly being unable to focus. My mind and heart broken by the simple fact that I feel things are all wasted trying to find a solution in getting out of this rot that I’m in. It has definitely affected me physically to the point that my wisdom tooth broke (more on that later).
First, my perception of heartbreak has to do with time and availabilities. Opportunities that I had in being with someone always have been broken by the fact that my attitude in committing has been really piss poor. The thought of the entire culmination of failures hit me really hard in april, driving me to the question “what’s the point to all of this?”
After that I decided to deactivate my facebook for a week, but then felt that I was much better off since I found my time being even more productive. My mind wasn’t about that perceived image that I made up in my head of being perfect anymore – instead – I was much more focused on getting my art of game development done. The marketing qualities of twitter over facebook though held me on that side of things, and I felt compelled to post my progress there instead. Then burnout started to creep up.
May is finally here and after feeling abysmal with my feelings of the past lost aside, my friend who’s helping me program my game gave me a delightful surprise of an update.
Spirit G Black Jacket Zero
That gave me fuel to continue more furiously in my efforts in creating Dark Zeta. Then bills started to build up on me, and the lava underneath of financial trouble was still flowing up. Not paying attention to that, I burned through the month by creating a few new maps for my game.
Then a friend from facebook hit me up on messenger and told me to return. I was feeling so free away from the walled garden that I ignored her plea. She then kept begging me to return and I felt concerned. The level of addiction is high I felt, and I wasn’t the only one feeling the burn. My compromise though is to hangout on the sidelines in messenger instead, avoiding all the personal notes and accomplishments that might hit my ego hard and deform my thoughts on things emotionally. I realized that my level of jealousy has gotten to a madding stage and keeping away would subside such to a controllable degree that I could put that into a productive direction. It has worked, but I felt even lonelier. Perception of mine got warped big time but support helped bring it back to base with the help of family and close friends.
So my idea for my facebook grand return was to create an animated avatar. The purpose for such an avatar was to refresh my image and go into the new internet age with a more animated take. Take all the personas I made and direct them as such in general over all social media platforms. Then after focus on my 12 year old YouTube channel, Mariolegend, and expand from there using my avatar.
Once I digged out my old model I started in 2015 of my character self (a 12 year old project btw), I re-proportioned the model’s limbs and then felt to go more cartoony with it. A smash bros style look to it really but I still need to play around with cell shading to see if that is more appealing as I’m not yet done with it.
The concept was to get it done in a week, and then exploded over a month long project. At the end of June, I started to feel the financial burn again and the old feelings started to surface as the lava underneath creeped closer and the heat got hotter to pay those pesky bills. Depression hit me harder as I realized that what I was doing will take longer than expected. Anxiety attacks scrambling what to do – made me lose more time.
Let’s rewind back to January 2018, where bitcoin crashed. That was when all my 5 month efforts fell apart, losing over $12k and my plans for the years to come. It had set me back to zero again – so this feeling has creeped up on me again and unlocked all the negative thoughts, creating a wave of loud noise that broke me down.
Suicide was on the table again.
I slit my wrist in pure desperation, in silence. Letting my arm bleed out a bit. I saw the major vein and I stopped. I used an X-acto knife that was beside me. I created a clean cut across but didn’t put enough pressure in to really do some major damage. I stopped.
What stopped me was the yell in my head. I dread to see the end to things. I always did since I was a kid. When someone told me Volcanoes destroy everything around it’s area, I got scared if we were living next to one. The dread is always naturally there.
I started then talking to my computer about its purpose. I believe that we are all energy stuck in a vessel experiencing everything around us in many different ways. So I felt connected to it after working with it for so long. I told it that we have to keep going. I just want to be able to find a way to do the things I love. Making a game takes a lot of everything to do. Then my mind switched and thought of my family. I don’t want to waste time working knowing that all of this is just temporary. I don’t want to lose time away from my love ones either and making anything technical I have to lose myself into it to really know how it works. There isn’t much time left either – my dad had a many strokes and my mom has high cholesterol levels that gotta get fixed.
Time is limited – And I want to enjoy the time I have on earth with my love ones, even though I’m in an absolute financial disaster because of my horrendous choices – I have to be with my family.
Don’t mind how I feel lol Just mind on what I’m doing.
First I re-themed my blog because I discovered that in firefox it wasn’t loading up correctly. I also discovered that Google is enforcing the autoplay policies in chrome, so no more “TV style” for anyone web domain only if they had already a high rating in their Media Engagement Index (MEI) bullshit. It’s basically to create a filter screen in code so that you the user won’t be invaded with annoying video ads that happen in the background, but the real folks who are using it proper has to jump more hoops to get it working up again.
So to cut all of that shit out, I’m going with less, thus the change on my page.
That didn’t only affect this page, it also affected my DarkZeta website. Since the front loading page has a video background to show the splendor of what’s been done in the project, the enforcement of the new autoplay policy breaks it. So now it’s once again just a still image, only if the user clicks on the page will it play. It doesn’t have any sound at all btw.
There are other ways to implement an engaging content, but it takes a fucking while to prepare and publish and find the right touch.
Since I’m just a 1 person army and pretty much do everything, I’m not gonna focus on making anything new with the front page of Dark Zeta website until I reach my demo goal (which is really far out).
With all that said, I’ve been thinking for a very long time about creating unique content in between my network of channels on youtube. The trouble here is that youtube has been bitchy about many things since they are trying to make money themselves. Making animation is really tough game to play because it takes so long to make just 5 minutes of anything. I’m still feeling that burning drive to do at least 1 animation. The gimmick that can stick formula I’ve been trying to find. I’ve seen folks use caricatures as host stand ins for some youtube content that I’m interested in doing myself. For instance, DevilArtemis cell personation works well because he can really “sell” the voice of the character very well. Is like finding Elvis and making him do stuff for the audience to be entertained by it. Pure genius.
I have done voices of characters before but all for play. That’s why I was thinking of making G-Legend’s G-Spirit character as my avatar to go into different things that I can do with my own natural talents. I can do the cookie monster’s voice as well as the henchmen from Venture Bros voice. If I can get my own thing out first and then pit in different short scenarios using 3D artwork, with it being animated, I can prove my worth doing so.
This is just me thinking out loud about it for a very long time now. I will though still work on Dark Zeta, but again I mention that doing something so fucking long (7 years now), can drive me crazy artistically. I really feel like there is no end in sight. It’s a fucking marathon. The thing about it that frightens me is the way people digest things are so single serving. 7 years of work is like nothing to people. The appreciation of the work will only cater to those who do, which is a very small percentage, while at large people simply don’t give a fuck and move on to the next thing they can digest. As I age, I get way more frustrated with this reality and being alone making it fucking makes it hurt even more. Who am I serving? What is my demographics in all of this? It can really drive anyone insane.
Being aware of this is pure madness. This is why I feel the way I feel about life in general. The sense of it all is so daming that I always question if it is even worth at all?
Bottom line is this: Nobody gives a flying fuck what I do, but I still do it because that’s what I love to do with my life. This is it. Others feel that I should not hold on about this and let life push me to do other random things, but I’m a stubborn motherfucker – I don’t kneel to life’s wishes, I do shit that satisfy my heart’s impulses. Period. This is why you had warriors die in battle, because they don’t let shit outside the fucking scoop drag them to an existence that isn’t desirable at all even if life gives you something “good”. I just wish I had another thousand years to keep chipping but time and energy is so limiting. So I say Fuck all of that, going against whatever the force is and keeping that courage to live and see if you can now. I see why people can become hermits, because the desire is so great to do something that it hurts everything else around it. Keeping people at a distance is best because it can really get bad if you get too close.
Again, I am a lost cause for those expecting much from me, that’s why I only linger to what my heart beats for.
So let’s go May, I got a lot going on that I rather just not say. Declaring to the world doesn’t work, so I keep the real shit hidden until I’m ready to express it later.
Super long time no post. I apologize for not being consistent about this but I’m back with an update. A lot has transpired. Everytime I try to add something here, I get pulled away with something else. It takes me so much energy to write and to make a proper post.
Anyway, I got a big update for you guys.
So let me start by talking about my current dilemma. I got into deep shit first all the way back in August 2017. The trouble was, getting into something I didn’t know truly about – which was first bitcoin, then the rest of the cryptocurrency market. The first thing that got really bad was that in that time, scams were rampant yet unknown. Stepping into that world was like walking into the jungle in the amazon. You just don’t know where danger lurks until it happens. Poison flora, dangerous venomous amphibians, and aggressive creepy crawlers – the same was with the bitcoin scene. First on the table, greed and desperation was the enabling factor of adventure. Much like Scrooge McDuck, going into adventure, it was similar in that it was all digitally. I was propelled into it by my father first, then taken deeper by a friend who showed me the unknown wild side of it that is the high yielding investment programs, a.k.a. ponzi schemes of the crypto world. Any innocent bystander would think innocently that it’s fine. Desperation though can really blind anyone. Breaking rules left and right, in the dark, one would think it would just be just a momentary test but oh boy, was I so wrong.
Giving up to desperation and curiosity, I first applied into a scheming site called Ambiz. Lost about 0.6 bitcoins in it after a 3 week long run. I obviously regret it and the challenged self not wanting to give up, I went in for more. I signed up then for 3 others that also failed as well, and lost about 0.3 bitcoins in the mix. Then completely exhausted, my last hope was this one platform called bitconnect. That one I then didn’t put in at all until the following month, where I started with $100 worth of bitcoins to see how it works first. Many in the community already made millions on it, and I felt I needed to press the metal to the petal and see results faster. Bitcoin then rose up to 9k, and in the mix, I had then invested 0.4 bitcoins in it, while the daily compound reinvestments did the job to match it up to 5k value that took another month to get to. I was then getting 1% interest every day at average, and it was working fine, which was the trick in disguise. There was a feeling of unease throughout all of this but I didn’t put mind and I went complacent.
As time went, Bitcoin then rose up to 12k and it was just beginning to get highlighted in the mainstream. When bitcoin hit the all time 20k, it was too quick when it happened to celebrate as it was falling slightly hitting resistance. Everyone was gasping to the thought that bitcoin has the potential to even go higher than that. Unreal it was, and in days approaching christmas, I had bought in about 0.4 bitcoin at 19k, but that was the worse move as I couldn’t do anything about it because of the exchange processing the money. It took 7 days to get it cleared from the bank, but by then it was too late. Once I was able to control my bitcoins, the value had crashed to 10k, then dipped harder to 9k. Recovering from that fall has been fairly difficult. Folks were asking me how to make money from bitcoin to run away from the reality of a 9 to 9 job. Tired were some of my friends trying to find a solution to their own pains as well. I look into bitcoin as what my father expected to be, a quick rich scheme to alleviate from the mountain of debt that has grown over time from pure ignorance.
At all angles, finding the easy route – lottery tickets, ponzi schemes, pyramid schemes, they work but it’s mostly luck and timing. That’s the toughest part of it all, but the moral is also a concern with these. Sovereignty is exclusively important element that we all forgot we had and take away from each other by thinking that scams will out for the best. The power of the individual, which can assist others as well, was lost by trading it with the chance of winning an award. Selling our souls to try and cut corners and dropping down points of moral was so hard to bare. Constantly failures because of doing the same thing so many times. I thought maybe with bitcoin I can save my parents from doing another scheme, but instead wound up losing anyway by ironically jumping into one. Totalling 14k loses, it was a strong lesson that is still being processed by me and my parents. Feeling dead already inside, a false light came through to calm us with hope. My buddy had sent me 10.560 mBTC, which I read it wrong and emotionally I volley a feeling of happiness back to my family, assuring them with false hope because of it. I laugh about it because it took a lie to ease tensions with everyone here, but it’s truly depressing for me to realize at every moment that suicide is still is an option I go back to from time to time having tumorous guilt from all of this.
The amount given from my buddy was simply $100 dollars at the time when bitcoin was at 7k. That I didn’t know until I corrected my wallet to read at BTC units instead of mBTC, but the misinformation has spilled out turning into a lie and resulted to make my family calm down. The peace helped me concentrate for the first time in a very long while. I bet to only a certain degree until the week before christmas when my parents left and gave me a chunk to inject into the bitcoin plan just days before it collapsed.
The plan was to double it, as they felt that bitcoin was gonna go higher. The signs were everywhere about not to invest. I also hesitated for 5 days in disbelief but now bitconnect has sucked in all of the people who desired to make money quickly and also passively that sadly the train was on course to crash and cut people down inevitably. Boy, that feeling of getting income without thinking about it was the best relief in my whole history for that time. I felt I was back to my childhood days again and was able to sleep, where before I simply couldn’t by purely having anxiety attacks and overthinking. Dreams of me confronting, losing my home, and simply just a demon hovering above me grinning didn’t give me incentive to rest. The lie – the illusion, gave me finally time to chill and forget my worries for just a bit to recover. Sadly it was just short lived but enough to let bitconnect work in the background until January 18, where it blew up in my face and all hope was lost again.
Before then, I was able to take out 1100 from the 5k I had put into the lending program. The whole where it went to pay rent, bills, and the bunch. I couldn’t do anything with it after that. My income is dead now, nothing coming in. It’s been over a month now that I’ve been floating in uncertainty. It’s a matter of time before I will lose my place. Last ditch effort at the present is to learn a new skill. The money to eat is selling the last of the bitcoins I have, which is very minimal (less than 0.05 now). Another thing, folks think that having bitcoins means whole numbers, which makes me giggle, because it’s counted as a real number – as in decimals. So when I say I have bitcoins, I mean I have a fraction of it. It can be divided into 100 millionth of a bitcoin, in which I would instead call it in satoshi units, where 1 satoshi is 0.00000001 of a bitcoin. As of this post, $100 is 0.01 bitcoin, or 1 million satoshis (at the price of 9k).
With that little educational part said, breaking the crypto piggy for food has been mostly the thing the current moment. At this rate I will be toast at the end of March. Everything is due, and I will need $2140 to survive and calm the flames. This means utilities, credit cards, student loans, internet, and misc bills all combine to total that amount for 1 month. What I owe is enough to think of really negative thoughts. Suicide sounds so good since I don’t have really any real reason to keep on going and I’m just a burden right now but if a miracle happens I’ll definitely be able to fight off the monster I created and donate back to my community once again. Realistically the monster will consume me before I can ever do any good. This is where I ride on luck by posting this entry and letting the world know what’s going on. Therapeutically also helps me cope with this burden. The video below is another angle in the same story that can help fill in the blanks. As you can see, I won’t be able to hold anything up anymore, and when I fade out from my online presence – it’s over baby.
Now, I do have a plan of action – I’m taking social media marketing classes. I’ll be creating bite size products, like logos, graphic prints, t-shirts with my game characters, and some more cool little quick things. I’m going to use the last of my bitcoins to market my items online. The investment is so I can get leads and see where it goes. This is why I’m also working on my game project as well. Staying positive on that side, but I will always consider death because the dread of losing my home, collection, identity, creations, and family to the monster is too great of a pain to go on after. No one will take that option away, and I’m serious when I say so. I hate endings but sometimes the reality here is how the game of money has complicated my life. No one can escape that in this system. Fortunes may come and go, life will remain, but my soul would be long dead and everything I’ve created gone for good. So the only way now is getting stuff done and then getting the word out. I’m gonna keep game developing until until I can’t do it anymore.
Thank you for having the time to read my post, I really appreciate it. Again, the video below is a bit long (35min) so that’s why I wanted to write a bit first so that you can skip the video if in case you don’t have time to see the bigger picture. There is though secrets embedded within the tape, giving you a complete outlook on what went wrong. I will be posting another video later that will focus on detail plans on what I’m going to do about it.
I deeply apologize for not having anything on here or anywhere else. I’ve been busy and trying hard to keep my depression at bay. Is hard when you are told you can’t do anything to prevent your home from being taken away at a constant.
So it’s been a while because life keeps pulling me away with so much information and events. Usually the bad anxiety attacking kind that sometimes is best kept silent until the storm goes away. Sadly the torment keeps on rocking without stopping on my side of things. Even when I was able to muster up enough energy to give you a video update, 100 things came out afterwards that I couldn’t even say because it’s so soon. I just breakdown from the pain. Even explaining to my mother what is my plans, she literally goes in and tries to deal with me to stick with her own plans that makes me feel ill. The conditions is to let go of being human and to create my own nest away from my origin and live together with my other siblings. The way we all are, alpha dogs – we can’t really co-exist in one house under so much pressure. It’s really destructive when it comes to compromising things that sometimes feel really out of place. Being able to even express myself fully, like I did in San Francisco, cannot be done under a place I find sacred with my parents around. It just doesn’t work out but I’m fixed under these conditions and I feel like going insane.
I apologize for my complete absence as I try to hold my sanity down in check. Realistically my family wants to wipe out 80% of the history of things that I have left. I ask even to my mother why does she insist? And then she tells me she wants all of us to live under one roof. That she wants us to be happy about it or she would align with my father to sell the house outright. The conditions for this is to take the little of things I have and destroy the rest to move to the attic. Even the things that need assorting and culling in the attic is so much to bare. I’ve grown attached to minor things like my drawings and video game library. To my computer components and electronic materials and how I went through 6 huge dumpsters worth of things I tossed out 4 years ago just to try and please my mother that we have ample space. All the things I selected was those things of events that I collected to remember, as having a minor in the label of a hoarder that only has things in boxes and totes. My mother wants everything out. Everything. That distresses me. All through 17 years of my life I’ve tried to find a way in getting my life together. I knew that an escalating moment like it is now were going to happen – in which I dreaded for my life about it for very long time now. That fear was a factor in the reason why I went to California in the first place.
When I came home after my failure from school in 2012, I was ready to kill myself as my depression went to a new low that I haven’t felt in my life before. Leaving San Francisco was the hardest thing I ever did and I couldn’t hold my tears of pain. Going back to my parents was like refuge to me. It was suppose to restore me back to work my way out again. That’s something I explained to my mother but ever since my surgery from my crohn’s complications in 2011, things got harder to deal with going forward. The first 2 years after surgery I had to get adjusted because I was going to the bathroom every hour without rest. I even lowered the intake of food just to control how often I would go to the restroom.
In the end I really hated myself in not persisting; In not getting to the point where I need to be to save my place in this world and to hold down the fort. I am baggage to my family I feel for lagging behind so far. I really want to help and the frustrations of health and the ability to learn how to detach and get over things has me going down a funnel of negativity. On a lighter note, bitcoin, something of an intangible elemental force online that has awaken my spirit within from the devil’s clutches of oblivion, has me breaking out in clawing my way up for a new hope.
In all seriousness, Bitcoin is my saving grace. It’s the money I’m earning now, slowly, gently, at the beginning of all things. I wish I had this opportunity in my youth. I’m just beginning at the minimum of a dollar per day but it will compound soon and grow exponentially. The stress here is keeping the house and dealing with bills that’s drowning all of us. Also add in the cold winter and things get even much harder but not unbearable. I finally feel I can push through and survive this. I just hope my investments hold up until the projected date of March 15 2018, when things will start working fully. The majority of the day I feel like killing myself, but seeing hope through bitcoin and the ones I love, helps me fight off those feelings. The dread of seeing all things I hold dear go away is ever so powerful and has a grip on me. I’m willing to stop breathing than to see the end, but at the same time, with hope, I’m willing to fight to see through it all and reach that level of self so I can help others too.
In the video I try to communicate as much as I can in a short window of time, but I can only detail it in this post on how I am in a bigger picture. The future is always going to be unknown and the present ever becoming. These things I know, so even if I tell what’s bugging me in short, there will always be more to write about. Is like margin trading, you can see the different times, for instance the one minute mark, which is so volatile versus the 1h mark in a graph, but you can tell how the market will do by where it has been in hindsight. The negative pressures can break the expectations though, making it more of a hypothesis than a real projection unless you really know what caused the pair to fluctuate and go a different direction in the market. Life is like that, and sometimes we want to have control. Sometimes we lose control and in the same time lose focus on ourselves while trying to get that control. To gain back control I learned you just have to let things be and not chase it. Learn the patterns and be more vigilant on deep movements that in the macroscale is all happening and simply dance with it.
So I hope you enjoy the video and understand where I am right now. I’ll have more as I can go about making them. I haven’t’ updated at all on anything because of the aforementioned reasons and I feel really bad about that. I hope to keep up this month but if the case that I can’t, just know that I’m really trying to break out of this rut as much as I can. Depression is no joke, and support is needed to remind me to keep on going. This life I feel is more mental than anything else, but action can’t be only done in the mind. One has to interact with the world before them and create your own road brick by brick until reaching your set destination. I know it takes time, but the pressures….
…is just so hard to deal with so much demand around me but it is all temporary and I have to face each one valiantly until things work out. Ignore at your peril, because the beast will consume you even if you close your eyes to it. As long as the spotlight is on, the problem will dissolve slowly and it will yield you what you need.
Again Thank you for reading all of this and for your understanding! Please support my work on patreon if you can: http://patreon.com/gerardolegend
First happy new year! Second, how you guys rolling through it so far? Me? Well… I feel like I’m inside a trash compactor.
Warning, what I am about to put forth is a lot of emotional information to stuff in one go. I’m going to be 100% with you and also I apologize for the bad grammar as well. Please hear me out? Okay here we go…
