The last few weeks after my birthday has been chaotic for me mentally. I’m going to start in April of 2018, where I stopped signing into facebook.
The reasons behind logging out of FB has been mostly being unable to focus. My mind and heart broken by the simple fact that I feel things are all wasted trying to find a solution in getting out of this rot that I’m in. It has definitely affected me physically to the point that my wisdom tooth broke (more on that later).
First, my perception of heartbreak has to do with time and availabilities. Opportunities that I had in being with someone always have been broken by the fact that my attitude in committing has been really piss poor. The thought of the entire culmination of failures hit me really hard in april, driving me to the question “what’s the point to all of this?”
After that I decided to deactivate my facebook for a week, but then felt that I was much better off since I found my time being even more productive. My mind wasn’t about that perceived image that I made up in my head of being perfect anymore – instead – I was much more focused on getting my art of game development done. The marketing qualities of twitter over facebook though held me on that side of things, and I felt compelled to post my progress there instead. Then burnout started to creep up.
May is finally here and after feeling abysmal with my feelings of the past lost aside, my friend who’s helping me program my game gave me a delightful surprise of an update.
That gave me fuel to continue more furiously in my efforts in creating Dark Zeta. Then bills started to build up on me, and the lava underneath of financial trouble was still flowing up. Not paying attention to that, I burned through the month by creating a few new maps for my game.
Then a friend from facebook hit me up on messenger and told me to return. I was feeling so free away from the walled garden that I ignored her plea. She then kept begging me to return and I felt concerned. The level of addiction is high I felt, and I wasn’t the only one feeling the burn. My compromise though is to hangout on the sidelines in messenger instead, avoiding all the personal notes and accomplishments that might hit my ego hard and deform my thoughts on things emotionally. I realized that my level of jealousy has gotten to a madding stage and keeping away would subside such to a controllable degree that I could put that into a productive direction. It has worked, but I felt even lonelier. Perception of mine got warped big time but support helped bring it back to base with the help of family and close friends.
So my idea for my facebook grand return was to create an animated avatar. The purpose for such an avatar was to refresh my image and go into the new internet age with a more animated take. Take all the personas I made and direct them as such in general over all social media platforms. Then after focus on my 12 year old YouTube channel, Mariolegend, and expand from there using my avatar.
Once I digged out my old model I started in 2015 of my character self (a 12 year old project btw), I re-proportioned the model’s limbs and then felt to go more cartoony with it. A smash bros style look to it really but I still need to play around with cell shading to see if that is more appealing as I’m not yet done with it.
The concept was to get it done in a week, and then exploded over a month long project. At the end of June, I started to feel the financial burn again and the old feelings started to surface as the lava underneath creeped closer and the heat got hotter to pay those pesky bills. Depression hit me harder as I realized that what I was doing will take longer than expected. Anxiety attacks scrambling what to do – made me lose more time.
Let’s rewind back to January 2018, where bitcoin crashed. That was when all my 5 month efforts fell apart, losing over $12k and my plans for the years to come. It had set me back to zero again – so this feeling has creeped up on me again and unlocked all the negative thoughts, creating a wave of loud noise that broke me down.
Suicide was on the table again.
I slit my wrist in pure desperation, in silence. Letting my arm bleed out a bit. I saw the major vein and I stopped. I used an X-acto knife that was beside me. I created a clean cut across but didn’t put enough pressure in to really do some major damage. I stopped.
What stopped me was the yell in my head. I dread to see the end to things. I always did since I was a kid. When someone told me Volcanoes destroy everything around it’s area, I got scared if we were living next to one. The dread is always naturally there.
I started then talking to my computer about its purpose. I believe that we are all energy stuck in a vessel experiencing everything around us in many different ways. So I felt connected to it after working with it for so long. I told it that we have to keep going. I just want to be able to find a way to do the things I love. Making a game takes a lot of everything to do. Then my mind switched and thought of my family. I don’t want to waste time working knowing that all of this is just temporary. I don’t want to lose time away from my love ones either and making anything technical I have to lose myself into it to really know how it works. There isn’t much time left either – my dad had a many strokes and my mom has high cholesterol levels that gotta get fixed.
Time is limited – And I want to enjoy the time I have on earth with my love ones, even though I’m in an absolute financial disaster because of my horrendous choices – I have to be with my family.