2017-01-22
Hello guys!
First happy new year! Second, how you guys rolling through it so far? Me? Well… I feel like I’m inside a trash compactor.
Warning, what I am about to put forth is a lot of emotional information to stuff in one go. I’m going to be 100% with you and also I apologize for the bad grammar as well. Please hear me out? Okay here we go…
My parent’s are planning to sell the house within 6 months time. I delayed this information to confirm and make sure of it, and it is currently set to be listed online now. This is bad for me in many ways.
First angle I see it as a boon in living cost and accessibility to go to work. Currently my location gives me a perfect junction point to go into town via mass transit system. Second we have a driveway with lots of space. Third, 4 floors of space (including attic and basement). Fourth, the house is already paid for. It is finally, after 26 years, a family owned house. Something so RARE today, that it haunts me to think that my parents will let go of a place that we love and grew up in after struggling to pay the mortgage and dealing so much for it. The fifth and most important is history of my family and I living here.
It hurts.
I’m not materialistically rich, I don’t really care about materialism in the sense of that common notion that equates to riches. Most of the things here I have are my family treasures, which for anyone else is trash. I love my family and all the memories I have had in the past here at home. This house is a reminder of the efforts of my parents, who are immigrants from Dominican Republic. This nest is so important to me and the thought of losing it just terrifies and petrifies me.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg but it starts there.
The year started ice cold in progress with creative stuff because I’m worried as well to find work. I am proficient in creative technical arts that I went to school for AND learned, and still learning, on my own with it. I feel like an unemployed basketball player, where all my life I’ve been hugely focused on my profession but doesn’t know anything more outside from that focus.
Having Crohn’s Disease doesn’t really stop me creatively, what does is having options to focus on it. After the operation I had 6 years ago I had to adjust but not favorably for employers. I know myself enough at my age of 35 that I suck at everything in life, and now I need to always go to the bathroom, it doesn’t help labor employers motives to hire me. I tried working as a teacher assistant, graphic designer, and even a stock boy at a grocery store, but simply can’t perform as what employers want. I’m always call to be slow, every single position. I am articulate, and do overthink things to be sure shit is fucking right. All I want is to live and be able to help the family out while I have time to do my creative stuff. Is not about game development anymore, is about living and being true to myself and others.
I do feel hopeless now, struggling to find a solution that it could very well be staring at me in the face. Fear overwhelms me. The fearless have built a thick skin over time though, while I retracted back after my fall in 2012 from school and tried to find an easy way out of it.
There is no easy way out. I have so many mental blocks that I do feel I am crazy. This mindset of anxiety and depression has me in darkness. This of course is karma, because I tried to run away from people who were sucking me down to that same note as I thought I was gonna get that same state of mind from them. I was blaming others for my own folly, and still do in subconscious ways. It is though a front. We all hide under a mask. Trying to show others that we are “okay” but really we are not. I find it that it is okay to say and not have it pent-up inside. Sometimes friends are sensitive about negative things, so they become strangers simply for that reason. All my life I’ve talked to a therapist about my anxiety and thoughts. Some of us simply don’t have that strong mind to control those thoughts, and let ourselves be consumed by it. Is good to talk to someone about it. I’m always open to just talk.
Furthermore on my point, is that we are all struggling to live.
So not being able to pay bills because of psychological subconscious blocks happens to the best of us. Some are conditioned to be responsive, while others never really had any training to respond until everything started to crash, learning from experience. Is about growth in character and having compassion and love for one another regardless of anyone’s limits and conditions. Sometimes though, there is nothing to exchange at all if the person anchors down and you feel you are in a loop. Sometimes is a good idea to let them be. It is a very hard situation emotionally to deal because it does feel like physically there is something breaking.
Another perspective to an old person who has given up entirely is to the potential of that individual having it but doing nothing with it. It’s beautiful when you see a plant grow and show its potential in a natural sense. The plant analogy here is seeing a human being morph in many stages and show off many things. Time factors in as well. The older we get, the harder it is to crack that potential but it isn’t impossible. I’ve seen people older than me reach their goals yet there are individuals who never met their potential for many hard emotional reasons like pride or prejudice. One can have ALL the wisdom needed but they never use it to their advantage. Something has to crash to respond to it. That’s where the word, Responsibility, comes from. The ability to respond. You think that’s common sense, but many act subconsciously, not truly knowing what it means. Like a knee jerk reaction, all their lives you just do it and not think about it. Others is really not incorporated until something crashes.
Profoundly I suck because my response system fails to act from knowing that “shit is gonna get bad if you don’t do anything about it”. But what? How? All this time I was protected. No one told me how to steer the wheel of my life. So how? My crohn’s acts up when in stress. I simply buckle when under these because I don’t know how. I then realize, everyone is doing that too, so I’m not the only one?
I just don’t want to lose the house. How can an employer want me? I really don’t want to lie to others to get to things. I really don’t want to “Sell” a false image. I want to be 100% in this world of illusions. So in turn I fill my head with suicidal thoughts because I feel like there is no other way. The world isn’t 100% with me, and I just feel overwhelmed. Do I really have to twist things up to survive? Fake it until you make it right? I don’t know how to live in that world. Create images to persuade another to buy into the product. Why must it be this way?
The truth consumes me inside. If I could just go to school, learn a profession, Learn to drive, get a job, buy a car, get a career, buy a house, get married and have kids (in that order) without all that fluff in between, it would be splendid, perfect, hands down what we all dream about. Unfortunately that is all a fairy tale told to me by people, like santa claus and the easter bunny. Folks have to find ways to snake through life. Read books to explore ideas and concepts never told by anyone is an alternative key. Apply it to real life as just an experiment, and see how it goes. Always be curious and press the metaphorical buttons, see what happens when the right one is pressed. It is risky, because some buttons can land you straight to undesirable situations but life is risky anyways, so why not?
So my thing here is that, I want to be true to you and myself. What I find pure in this life, oddly enough, is creating my own worlds to share with you and others. Creating virtual places on paper and interactively. Is more than making a game with set rules, is making a universe. We all understand life ain’t pretty, but we can always go to these things to remind us that we can enjoy life. The existential set of truths fucking hurts, and on top of spaghetti, what people perceive is “truth” makes shit even harder in society. So with that said, and I really want to be comprehensive with this post as much as I can, that what I share and do is 100% from my heart to you. It is what I perceive is true to myself and others. It is my labor of love to you.
Now I am no angel nor demon. I am human, like you are, and with that said, I need your help.
This is Estrellita! My lovely bird Quaker
Help me at this time of need. Let me make beautiful things for you. While I find a job and build up the courage to face the world, help me please? It would mean the world to me and my parrot for sure. I will definitely list you up on my works.
Your contribution will help enormously, even if it is just 1 cent, that still says you trust me and believe in me and my work.
Thank you for taking the time to read and hearing me out!
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