I deeply apologize for not having anything on here or anywhere else. I’ve been busy and trying hard to keep my depression at bay. Is hard when you are told you can’t do anything to prevent your home from being taken away at a constant.
So it’s been a while because life keeps pulling me away with so much information and events. Usually the bad anxiety attacking kind that sometimes is best kept silent until the storm goes away. Sadly the torment keeps on rocking without stopping on my side of things. Even when I was able to muster up enough energy to give you a video update, 100 things came out afterwards that I couldn’t even say because it’s so soon. I just breakdown from the pain. Even explaining to my mother what is my plans, she literally goes in and tries to deal with me to stick with her own plans that makes me feel ill. The conditions is to let go of being human and to create my own nest away from my origin and live together with my other siblings. The way we all are, alpha dogs – we can’t really co-exist in one house under so much pressure. It’s really destructive when it comes to compromising things that sometimes feel really out of place. Being able to even express myself fully, like I did in San Francisco, cannot be done under a place I find sacred with my parents around. It just doesn’t work out but I’m fixed under these conditions and I feel like going insane.
I apologize for my complete absence as I try to hold my sanity down in check. Realistically my family wants to wipe out 80% of the history of things that I have left. I ask even to my mother why does she insist? And then she tells me she wants all of us to live under one roof. That she wants us to be happy about it or she would align with my father to sell the house outright. The conditions for this is to take the little of things I have and destroy the rest to move to the attic. Even the things that need assorting and culling in the attic is so much to bare. I’ve grown attached to minor things like my drawings and video game library. To my computer components and electronic materials and how I went through 6 huge dumpsters worth of things I tossed out 4 years ago just to try and please my mother that we have ample space. All the things I selected was those things of events that I collected to remember, as having a minor in the label of a hoarder that only has things in boxes and totes. My mother wants everything out. Everything. That distresses me. All through 17 years of my life I’ve tried to find a way in getting my life together. I knew that an escalating moment like it is now were going to happen – in which I dreaded for my life about it for very long time now. That fear was a factor in the reason why I went to California in the first place.
When I came home after my failure from school in 2012, I was ready to kill myself as my depression went to a new low that I haven’t felt in my life before. Leaving San Francisco was the hardest thing I ever did and I couldn’t hold my tears of pain. Going back to my parents was like refuge to me. It was suppose to restore me back to work my way out again. That’s something I explained to my mother but ever since my surgery from my crohn’s complications in 2011, things got harder to deal with going forward. The first 2 years after surgery I had to get adjusted because I was going to the bathroom every hour without rest. I even lowered the intake of food just to control how often I would go to the restroom.
In the end I really hated myself in not persisting; In not getting to the point where I need to be to save my place in this world and to hold down the fort. I am baggage to my family I feel for lagging behind so far. I really want to help and the frustrations of health and the ability to learn how to detach and get over things has me going down a funnel of negativity. On a lighter note, bitcoin, something of an intangible elemental force online that has awaken my spirit within from the devil’s clutches of oblivion, has me breaking out in clawing my way up for a new hope.
In all seriousness, Bitcoin is my saving grace. It’s the money I’m earning now, slowly, gently, at the beginning of all things. I wish I had this opportunity in my youth. I’m just beginning at the minimum of a dollar per day but it will compound soon and grow exponentially. The stress here is keeping the house and dealing with bills that’s drowning all of us. Also add in the cold winter and things get even much harder but not unbearable. I finally feel I can push through and survive this. I just hope my investments hold up until the projected date of March 15 2018, when things will start working fully. The majority of the day I feel like killing myself, but seeing hope through bitcoin and the ones I love, helps me fight off those feelings. The dread of seeing all things I hold dear go away is ever so powerful and has a grip on me. I’m willing to stop breathing than to see the end, but at the same time, with hope, I’m willing to fight to see through it all and reach that level of self so I can help others too.
In the video I try to communicate as much as I can in a short window of time, but I can only detail it in this post on how I am in a bigger picture. The future is always going to be unknown and the present ever becoming. These things I know, so even if I tell what’s bugging me in short, there will always be more to write about. Is like margin trading, you can see the different times, for instance the one minute mark, which is so volatile versus the 1h mark in a graph, but you can tell how the market will do by where it has been in hindsight. The negative pressures can break the expectations though, making it more of a hypothesis than a real projection unless you really know what caused the pair to fluctuate and go a different direction in the market. Life is like that, and sometimes we want to have control. Sometimes we lose control and in the same time lose focus on ourselves while trying to get that control. To gain back control I learned you just have to let things be and not chase it. Learn the patterns and be more vigilant on deep movements that in the macroscale is all happening and simply dance with it.
So I hope you enjoy the video and understand where I am right now. I’ll have more as I can go about making them. I haven’t’ updated at all on anything because of the aforementioned reasons and I feel really bad about that. I hope to keep up this month but if the case that I can’t, just know that I’m really trying to break out of this rut as much as I can. Depression is no joke, and support is needed to remind me to keep on going. This life I feel is more mental than anything else, but action can’t be only done in the mind. One has to interact with the world before them and create your own road brick by brick until reaching your set destination. I know it takes time, but the pressures….
…is just so hard to deal with so much demand around me but it is all temporary and I have to face each one valiantly until things work out. Ignore at your peril, because the beast will consume you even if you close your eyes to it. As long as the spotlight is on, the problem will dissolve slowly and it will yield you what you need.
Again Thank you for reading all of this and for your understanding! Please support my work on patreon if you can: http://patreon.com/gerardolegend