I came across a new mindset of ideas for this site and the subdomain blog.gerardolegend.com tonight. I’m going to turn this site into a quick gallery of events, just like a blog but more general, while Blog.gerardolegend.com will again be my center for blogging everything once more as I’ll have twitter as my micro-updater embedded on to being the focal point to get more frequent data as I go with life twists.
This will unify both domains as one, and make things much easier for me to update more fluently.
That update will start late in October as it will take a lot of my creative juices to re-image everything and reorganize my data. It may even start in November, who knows! Because I feel October will be a really busy month for me since I first need to finish up on Mariolegend.com AND port my games and videos on to that site.
Dark Zeta development is happening for sure as I have new tools readily now. GridXross is being ported and enhanced with new gameplay mechanics as well in HTML5 that it’s mobile version never had. So that all will reflect back to here. Right now I’m making sure my bills are paid and I give ample time to my love ones first before going into my cave and start developing deeper into my projects.
Hopefully all products will be ready by January 2020 for Mariolegend.com. As for Dark Zeta, I’m pushing to get stuff done for it little by little, but hopefully much more fluent in developments as I go. If I get to 75% done next year, then I’ll have more of an idea when I’ll be done with it and post a release time for it. It will mainly start as a PC game, as before I was preparing it to be mobile, instead I’m going to focus on getting it ready for Windows PC. I have the tools for that to fast prototyping it and was looking into character creations speed up techniques like rigging and weight painting using a pro degree of quality and efficiency. I found a solution, but I’m learning how get an assembly way of doing it with many different characters I need to make out from it all.
To sum up my thoughts, everything will come together nicely in time. I wish I can get Dark Zeta out in 2020, at least get it at 90% done by this time next year, but it seems dire right now. I need more money and time to getting it there. What’s left now is a huge number of things, but I feel very confident now that I can, I just need help – thus more money to get some people to help me with content to double up the work.
But I’m confident I can do it on my own though.
With all that said, changes that are coming are good ones. I only ask for patience. If 2020 isn’t the year to show off, then 2021 will be then.
I also been on my twitter pushing/retweeting my fellow brother’s awesome indie game progress tweets out; ReTweeting for my dev frands. I am also doing updates in my game progress sheet as recently my music composer have finished up work on two tracks for the game. Pretty much I’m doing the little things first and twirling my way towards artwork after all the updates are set.
Project progress sheet
Another big news is that i got my ticket for PAX EAST 2019! It will be in March when that happens so I have plenty of time to work on my many projects and get something done by then. I will definitely have some sort of preview to share when I get there on the floor on my tablet. I will try to get all the tickets though, as I reserved my spot for Friday. Second hand sales are tough and expensive to get afterwards but I’ll definitely will be ready to get them as I work my butt off the next 130 days before the show.
Another note here i like to share that’s relative to my previous post is that I’ve been controlling my bad habits. The first step in getting better is to admit there is a problem. That’s why I write about it so that it’s out there and can be worked on. People, you definitely know no one is fucking perfect, so why fake yourself if that problem will surface and break you down all on it’s own? That’s why I fucking write about everything that needs to be looked into. So since I did, I feel much better and in control.
Now to spill another secret ~
I did an irresponsible financial act by giving into buying a video game console. Which one? The Nintendo Switch. Why? Because of Smash Bros Ultimate. With the paycheck I got last week on Thursday, I used half of it to get my reservation I placed 1 month prior. I felt regret by buying it but not anymore. It’s something I was subconsciously planning on getting since the first announcement of the Switch, but it got really hard to resist when the game, Super Smash Bros, was shown online. The last preview really nailed it and sold me on it. So without any resistance i just went dive into it. My family members yet don’t know of this act. I plan on getting my next paycheck (within a week from now), to pay my dues. Regardless to say, I feel like “god” intervened and rescued my ass this time, again. Mysteriously a quarter of the power bill was covered and my brother helped on paying the gas and water bill, which basically was not even that bad at all.
I guess the clouds parted for me in this instance. VERY ODD I might say. I acted selfishly in this and feel like shit about it, but somehow i got away with it. I felt buyers remorse and really thought about re-selling my unit on ebay But a friend convinced me not to. Getting anything in these conditions is bittersweet. Then I had a meeting with my siblings and my brother fully backs me in my pursuit of my gaming venture, yet he doesn’t know of my possession. The Nintendo Switch is not just a mere toy to personally play, it’s the tool of power that I have to connect with my twitter amigos and the world. This means I will use it to set a new chapter in my online presence to livestream and also hope to profit from it as well in the future with other plans. This also means I have set schemes to upload game reviews and plays on my youtube channel, so having a Nintendo Switch will help me follow trends online and be on top of things gaming wise. I also feel better that I am back into playing a new Nintendo product. Unfortunately rumors are swirling that a new version is coming out next year.
Anyway, all of this sounds like a lot of work, which it is, but I will take it one step at a time. So the full reveal of me playing the switch won’t happen until I feel I have at least redeemed myself, in which I hope is before thanksgiving.
So it’s been many weeks since the last post and here is another update-
Okay, I’ve been in the background working really hard in getting my shit together. I simply suffered a very bad burnout from everything. Making a game is terribly hard when it comes to not having any balance at all and I don’t have balance. This is why I had to stop 2 months ago. On top of that the coincidence of my main computer rig that I’ve been working on my projects on has been showing really bad signs of breaking down. So far it doesn’t let me even work on anything after a 30 minutes that’s been turned on. It just started doing that so I decided to unplug and take a step back from using it.
In conjunction to it, I saw it as an opportunity to visit my sister in florida for a couple of days. I never before met my niece up until this trip I made to florida 2 weeks ago. THAT was such a good choice I’ve made. It helped me alleviate the pain I was suffering within. I also had to cancel on the dentist thing until I returned. When I came back though, my brother had already set up an interview with an employer to work in the same shop he’s in. That was 2 weeks ago immediately after I have arrived back to boston. Thus I’m working now…
Don’t mind how I feel lol Just mind on what I’m doing.
First I re-themed my blog because I discovered that in firefox it wasn’t loading up correctly. I also discovered that Google is enforcing the autoplay policies in chrome, so no more “TV style” for anyone web domain only if they had already a high rating in their Media Engagement Index (MEI) bullshit. It’s basically to create a filter screen in code so that you the user won’t be invaded with annoying video ads that happen in the background, but the real folks who are using it proper has to jump more hoops to get it working up again.
So to cut all of that shit out, I’m going with less, thus the change on my page.
That didn’t only affect this page, it also affected my DarkZeta website. Since the front loading page has a video background to show the splendor of what’s been done in the project, the enforcement of the new autoplay policy breaks it. So now it’s once again just a still image, only if the user clicks on the page will it play. It doesn’t have any sound at all btw.
There are other ways to implement an engaging content, but it takes a fucking while to prepare and publish and find the right touch.
Since I’m just a 1 person army and pretty much do everything, I’m not gonna focus on making anything new with the front page of Dark Zeta website until I reach my demo goal (which is really far out).
With all that said, I’ve been thinking for a very long time about creating unique content in between my network of channels on youtube. The trouble here is that youtube has been bitchy about many things since they are trying to make money themselves. Making animation is really tough game to play because it takes so long to make just 5 minutes of anything. I’m still feeling that burning drive to do at least 1 animation. The gimmick that can stick formula I’ve been trying to find. I’ve seen folks use caricatures as host stand ins for some youtube content that I’m interested in doing myself. For instance, DevilArtemis cell personation works well because he can really “sell” the voice of the character very well. Is like finding Elvis and making him do stuff for the audience to be entertained by it. Pure genius.
I have done voices of characters before but all for play. That’s why I was thinking of making G-Legend’s G-Spirit character as my avatar to go into different things that I can do with my own natural talents. I can do the cookie monster’s voice as well as the henchmen from Venture Bros voice. If I can get my own thing out first and then pit in different short scenarios using 3D artwork, with it being animated, I can prove my worth doing so.
This is just me thinking out loud about it for a very long time now. I will though still work on Dark Zeta, but again I mention that doing something so fucking long (7 years now), can drive me crazy artistically. I really feel like there is no end in sight. It’s a fucking marathon. The thing about it that frightens me is the way people digest things are so single serving. 7 years of work is like nothing to people. The appreciation of the work will only cater to those who do, which is a very small percentage, while at large people simply don’t give a fuck and move on to the next thing they can digest. As I age, I get way more frustrated with this reality and being alone making it fucking makes it hurt even more. Who am I serving? What is my demographics in all of this? It can really drive anyone insane.
Being aware of this is pure madness. This is why I feel the way I feel about life in general. The sense of it all is so daming that I always question if it is even worth at all?
Bottom line is this: Nobody gives a flying fuck what I do, but I still do it because that’s what I love to do with my life. This is it. Others feel that I should not hold on about this and let life push me to do other random things, but I’m a stubborn motherfucker – I don’t kneel to life’s wishes, I do shit that satisfy my heart’s impulses. Period. This is why you had warriors die in battle, because they don’t let shit outside the fucking scoop drag them to an existence that isn’t desirable at all even if life gives you something “good”. I just wish I had another thousand years to keep chipping but time and energy is so limiting. So I say Fuck all of that, going against whatever the force is and keeping that courage to live and see if you can now. I see why people can become hermits, because the desire is so great to do something that it hurts everything else around it. Keeping people at a distance is best because it can really get bad if you get too close.
Again, I am a lost cause for those expecting much from me, that’s why I only linger to what my heart beats for.
So let’s go May, I got a lot going on that I rather just not say. Declaring to the world doesn’t work, so I keep the real shit hidden until I’m ready to express it later.
I deeply apologize for not having anything on here or anywhere else. I’ve been busy and trying hard to keep my depression at bay. Is hard when you are told you can’t do anything to prevent your home from being taken away at a constant.
So it’s been a while because life keeps pulling me away with so much information and events. Usually the bad anxiety attacking kind that sometimes is best kept silent until the storm goes away. Sadly the torment keeps on rocking without stopping on my side of things. Even when I was able to muster up enough energy to give you a video update, 100 things came out afterwards that I couldn’t even say because it’s so soon. I just breakdown from the pain. Even explaining to my mother what is my plans, she literally goes in and tries to deal with me to stick with her own plans that makes me feel ill. The conditions is to let go of being human and to create my own nest away from my origin and live together with my other siblings. The way we all are, alpha dogs – we can’t really co-exist in one house under so much pressure. It’s really destructive when it comes to compromising things that sometimes feel really out of place. Being able to even express myself fully, like I did in San Francisco, cannot be done under a place I find sacred with my parents around. It just doesn’t work out but I’m fixed under these conditions and I feel like going insane.
I apologize for my complete absence as I try to hold my sanity down in check. Realistically my family wants to wipe out 80% of the history of things that I have left. I ask even to my mother why does she insist? And then she tells me she wants all of us to live under one roof. That she wants us to be happy about it or she would align with my father to sell the house outright. The conditions for this is to take the little of things I have and destroy the rest to move to the attic. Even the things that need assorting and culling in the attic is so much to bare. I’ve grown attached to minor things like my drawings and video game library. To my computer components and electronic materials and how I went through 6 huge dumpsters worth of things I tossed out 4 years ago just to try and please my mother that we have ample space. All the things I selected was those things of events that I collected to remember, as having a minor in the label of a hoarder that only has things in boxes and totes. My mother wants everything out. Everything. That distresses me. All through 17 years of my life I’ve tried to find a way in getting my life together. I knew that an escalating moment like it is now were going to happen – in which I dreaded for my life about it for very long time now. That fear was a factor in the reason why I went to California in the first place.
When I came home after my failure from school in 2012, I was ready to kill myself as my depression went to a new low that I haven’t felt in my life before. Leaving San Francisco was the hardest thing I ever did and I couldn’t hold my tears of pain. Going back to my parents was like refuge to me. It was suppose to restore me back to work my way out again. That’s something I explained to my mother but ever since my surgery from my crohn’s complications in 2011, things got harder to deal with going forward. The first 2 years after surgery I had to get adjusted because I was going to the bathroom every hour without rest. I even lowered the intake of food just to control how often I would go to the restroom.
In the end I really hated myself in not persisting; In not getting to the point where I need to be to save my place in this world and to hold down the fort. I am baggage to my family I feel for lagging behind so far. I really want to help and the frustrations of health and the ability to learn how to detach and get over things has me going down a funnel of negativity. On a lighter note, bitcoin, something of an intangible elemental force online that has awaken my spirit within from the devil’s clutches of oblivion, has me breaking out in clawing my way up for a new hope.
In all seriousness, Bitcoin is my saving grace. It’s the money I’m earning now, slowly, gently, at the beginning of all things. I wish I had this opportunity in my youth. I’m just beginning at the minimum of a dollar per day but it will compound soon and grow exponentially. The stress here is keeping the house and dealing with bills that’s drowning all of us. Also add in the cold winter and things get even much harder but not unbearable. I finally feel I can push through and survive this. I just hope my investments hold up until the projected date of March 15 2018, when things will start working fully. The majority of the day I feel like killing myself, but seeing hope through bitcoin and the ones I love, helps me fight off those feelings. The dread of seeing all things I hold dear go away is ever so powerful and has a grip on me. I’m willing to stop breathing than to see the end, but at the same time, with hope, I’m willing to fight to see through it all and reach that level of self so I can help others too.
In the video I try to communicate as much as I can in a short window of time, but I can only detail it in this post on how I am in a bigger picture. The future is always going to be unknown and the present ever becoming. These things I know, so even if I tell what’s bugging me in short, there will always be more to write about. Is like margin trading, you can see the different times, for instance the one minute mark, which is so volatile versus the 1h mark in a graph, but you can tell how the market will do by where it has been in hindsight. The negative pressures can break the expectations though, making it more of a hypothesis than a real projection unless you really know what caused the pair to fluctuate and go a different direction in the market. Life is like that, and sometimes we want to have control. Sometimes we lose control and in the same time lose focus on ourselves while trying to get that control. To gain back control I learned you just have to let things be and not chase it. Learn the patterns and be more vigilant on deep movements that in the macroscale is all happening and simply dance with it.
So I hope you enjoy the video and understand where I am right now. I’ll have more as I can go about making them. I haven’t’ updated at all on anything because of the aforementioned reasons and I feel really bad about that. I hope to keep up this month but if the case that I can’t, just know that I’m really trying to break out of this rut as much as I can. Depression is no joke, and support is needed to remind me to keep on going. This life I feel is more mental than anything else, but action can’t be only done in the mind. One has to interact with the world before them and create your own road brick by brick until reaching your set destination. I know it takes time, but the pressures….
…is just so hard to deal with so much demand around me but it is all temporary and I have to face each one valiantly until things work out. Ignore at your peril, because the beast will consume you even if you close your eyes to it. As long as the spotlight is on, the problem will dissolve slowly and it will yield you what you need.