Back again, after a bit of self fixing. Things have been working out now since I’ve gotten my new job at the liquor store. I had so many nights with so many doubts. Folks who never understand why, even if things are shaping out, that negative thoughts claw themselves back into the front seat. You can feel all the good vibes in the world, and just 1 shatters everything. It doesn’t matter what happens, it’s all about perception of the individual and the world. Life is uncertain but we all use regret to better ourselves, and perception is key going forward in paving the road. To combat against the negativities, I dive into my glorious past where most of my creative energy is stored. The how i used to fill my void of that energy is surrounding myself with everything that I interface as playful.
Discovering my old VHS tapes and looking back woke me up to a realization on how I used to concentrate my creative powers into everything else. Today as an adult, I starved myself from it. This is why writer’s block happens often. My space isn’t even setup for creative purposes either and mostly I feel like suppressing this from everyone who doesn’t understand. This of course creates so much struggle within me. To release this energy from being bottled up for so long I usually have to go into “play” mode. This doesn’t mean just video games, this also is communal. What I mean is, I also need to socialize to analyze. My mind is never quiet and always is working on a creative solution. This is worse when i drink. The safest way to have fun and express is by playing video games, and that is something looked bad on me because most think that’s what i only do.
I have to confess something dark and deep here –
I’m an adult. You know, that means I also masturbate. This also means sexual tension is real. This part of being an adult is draining for me, because there are so much crap that entangles around this. Behaviors are suppressed. So this also means I spend entertainment money on this, live. Entrapped within this virtual state of being, the only cheaply way out is to communicate with a live model online. I feel so inadequate and not really confident with myself because of my standing so I get my experience elsewhere. It’s my vice, like many have their own. Who here is to judge is only on your part not mine and I don’t care anymore. This is already hard enough to write about but I do see it as a problem because it has evolved and it is threatening me. Expressively I deprive myself from any real relationship because of all the hang ups that come with it and feel it’s best to accept that my life is a failure. So having an anon moment with someone online is something easy to obtain but hard to achieve in real life, having that lustful spontaneous expression that’s pure superficialness. This adding to my frustration fuels the negative thoughts. We live in an online world anyway, and it’s just harder when you’re $-180k in the hole in a capitalistic world. I may have the looks but I’m no good for anyone, at least not at this moment in time (this is my block). Everyone perceives others in their own light, and judge them out. There isn’t much justification here, that’s why I can relate to deadpool when he was single. Anyone with human sense must understand this. I simply cannot lie, I really love big booties.
In a brighter light –
This darkside of mine, which goes deeper – I’m getting back control. The rummaging of me looking through the old 25 plus years of tape brought me back. Time travel as you will, knowing everything is one, seeing that it truly is, got me back into control. Certainty, understanding that I play a roll in my own path. The choices I make can help me go deeper into the abyss, such darkness leading me to logically think of ending my life, or choosing to surface back up by my own accords and guides of wonderful people who do show up coincidentally at the right moment when I reach out. Today, October 17, 2018, I am still in financial straits. With everything falling apart, in a micro-level, my mind wants to set up a date to phase out my own existence still. The best vibe here is that I understand why. The Why has to be strong enough to surpass the fear, and unite with it also to project forward.
I feel now, with the deep reflection of my pure past self, that the only way forward now is to have patience and take things step by small steps. The anxiety attacks I get while thinking about financial crap i settle by my own system of play. It’s truly my reset button. I get into a creative state of mind, and with that the energy to express life purely. When fear enters me or when depression and anxiety attacks, it fills my dark thoughts – and finding an orgasmic solution is a way I go about to settle such intense feelings down cheaply and swiftly.
Only after, the depression lingers and i just feel tired all day. Folks think I’m lazy, but I just don’t want to live.
The only way back is going into play mode or social contact. This is where my actual job comes in – the real reason why I’m sticking with it is because I love my co-workers and they also feel similar to my own pains. I get energized by being able to serve others and I feel useful again. This feeds my creative powers back up and I start channeling myself again to a more positive light.
So you see, I found something that counteracts the negative vibe at the moment. It’s always going to be a battle, a war. This is fine, it only shows there is a soul inside. Hope fills me, and with that I start taking risk again. Acceptance at work is the only thing i need, money is second but necessary because of the system in which we all live in.
So all of what transpired this year after the fall in February 2018 (bitcoin crash), and my programmer quitting on me (more details on that in the video below), Steve RAW materials being locked up from the public (more details in the video below), and my restarting of the dark zeta project (more details in the video below), now I feel ready to get into making stuff again.
The best of the best positive discovery here is that I found my stop motion animation still in good condition. It’s pretty rough because it was the first time I went all out to do a feature 2hrs video by using all analog setup. For those who don’t know, that means I used 2 VCR decks, 1 boombox tape recorder for audio fx and music, and recompose the movie twice! LIVE! meaning I recorded up to 3 times over again into a new VHS tape all while I’m queuing up the audio fx live. It was the biggest thing I have ever did then. On top of having all my siblings and my best buddy voice some characters – this cannot be lost and I plan to fix it up for the public view in episodic format.
So before i do get into polishing it up, I’m going to first finish my twin avatars that will be in the animation series and on both GerardoLegend youtube and Mariolegend youtube channel. This is going to take up about 2 months to make, so think of this as getting ready for 2019 media extravaganza!
As for Dark Zeta, More info in the video lol
Thank you for reading and understanding my madness. I’m just a regular joe trying my best in balancing my life together in this cyber world that we all live in. I hope you have a wonderful joyful day.
I deeply apologize for not having anything on here or anywhere else. I’ve been busy and trying hard to keep my depression at bay. Is hard when you are told you can’t do anything to prevent your home from being taken away at a constant.
So it’s been a while because life keeps pulling me away with so much information and events. Usually the bad anxiety attacking kind that sometimes is best kept silent until the storm goes away. Sadly the torment keeps on rocking without stopping on my side of things. Even when I was able to muster up enough energy to give you a video update, 100 things came out afterwards that I couldn’t even say because it’s so soon. I just breakdown from the pain. Even explaining to my mother what is my plans, she literally goes in and tries to deal with me to stick with her own plans that makes me feel ill. The conditions is to let go of being human and to create my own nest away from my origin and live together with my other siblings. The way we all are, alpha dogs – we can’t really co-exist in one house under so much pressure. It’s really destructive when it comes to compromising things that sometimes feel really out of place. Being able to even express myself fully, like I did in San Francisco, cannot be done under a place I find sacred with my parents around. It just doesn’t work out but I’m fixed under these conditions and I feel like going insane.
I apologize for my complete absence as I try to hold my sanity down in check. Realistically my family wants to wipe out 80% of the history of things that I have left. I ask even to my mother why does she insist? And then she tells me she wants all of us to live under one roof. That she wants us to be happy about it or she would align with my father to sell the house outright. The conditions for this is to take the little of things I have and destroy the rest to move to the attic. Even the things that need assorting and culling in the attic is so much to bare. I’ve grown attached to minor things like my drawings and video game library. To my computer components and electronic materials and how I went through 6 huge dumpsters worth of things I tossed out 4 years ago just to try and please my mother that we have ample space. All the things I selected was those things of events that I collected to remember, as having a minor in the label of a hoarder that only has things in boxes and totes. My mother wants everything out. Everything. That distresses me. All through 17 years of my life I’ve tried to find a way in getting my life together. I knew that an escalating moment like it is now were going to happen – in which I dreaded for my life about it for very long time now. That fear was a factor in the reason why I went to California in the first place.
When I came home after my failure from school in 2012, I was ready to kill myself as my depression went to a new low that I haven’t felt in my life before. Leaving San Francisco was the hardest thing I ever did and I couldn’t hold my tears of pain. Going back to my parents was like refuge to me. It was suppose to restore me back to work my way out again. That’s something I explained to my mother but ever since my surgery from my crohn’s complications in 2011, things got harder to deal with going forward. The first 2 years after surgery I had to get adjusted because I was going to the bathroom every hour without rest. I even lowered the intake of food just to control how often I would go to the restroom.
In the end I really hated myself in not persisting; In not getting to the point where I need to be to save my place in this world and to hold down the fort. I am baggage to my family I feel for lagging behind so far. I really want to help and the frustrations of health and the ability to learn how to detach and get over things has me going down a funnel of negativity. On a lighter note, bitcoin, something of an intangible elemental force online that has awaken my spirit within from the devil’s clutches of oblivion, has me breaking out in clawing my way up for a new hope.
In all seriousness, Bitcoin is my saving grace. It’s the money I’m earning now, slowly, gently, at the beginning of all things. I wish I had this opportunity in my youth. I’m just beginning at the minimum of a dollar per day but it will compound soon and grow exponentially. The stress here is keeping the house and dealing with bills that’s drowning all of us. Also add in the cold winter and things get even much harder but not unbearable. I finally feel I can push through and survive this. I just hope my investments hold up until the projected date of March 15 2018, when things will start working fully. The majority of the day I feel like killing myself, but seeing hope through bitcoin and the ones I love, helps me fight off those feelings. The dread of seeing all things I hold dear go away is ever so powerful and has a grip on me. I’m willing to stop breathing than to see the end, but at the same time, with hope, I’m willing to fight to see through it all and reach that level of self so I can help others too.
In the video I try to communicate as much as I can in a short window of time, but I can only detail it in this post on how I am in a bigger picture. The future is always going to be unknown and the present ever becoming. These things I know, so even if I tell what’s bugging me in short, there will always be more to write about. Is like margin trading, you can see the different times, for instance the one minute mark, which is so volatile versus the 1h mark in a graph, but you can tell how the market will do by where it has been in hindsight. The negative pressures can break the expectations though, making it more of a hypothesis than a real projection unless you really know what caused the pair to fluctuate and go a different direction in the market. Life is like that, and sometimes we want to have control. Sometimes we lose control and in the same time lose focus on ourselves while trying to get that control. To gain back control I learned you just have to let things be and not chase it. Learn the patterns and be more vigilant on deep movements that in the macroscale is all happening and simply dance with it.
So I hope you enjoy the video and understand where I am right now. I’ll have more as I can go about making them. I haven’t’ updated at all on anything because of the aforementioned reasons and I feel really bad about that. I hope to keep up this month but if the case that I can’t, just know that I’m really trying to break out of this rut as much as I can. Depression is no joke, and support is needed to remind me to keep on going. This life I feel is more mental than anything else, but action can’t be only done in the mind. One has to interact with the world before them and create your own road brick by brick until reaching your set destination. I know it takes time, but the pressures….
…is just so hard to deal with so much demand around me but it is all temporary and I have to face each one valiantly until things work out. Ignore at your peril, because the beast will consume you even if you close your eyes to it. As long as the spotlight is on, the problem will dissolve slowly and it will yield you what you need.