The video has the summary of before I cut my hours and then after I did. The reason I did cut my hours is because I really needed to focus and relax on updating everything online, as well as follow up with clients who reached out to me to work with them on web projects. Being creative is a mindset, and when I’m in high anxiety survival mode, I can’t concentrate even while my time is committed to something else. Thankfully my bosses granted me the reduced time to focus. I just wish I was able to control my schedule in a month by month bases, and not weekly. But working Sundays and two days out of the week has resulted to be a blessing. I also talked to my brother that because I have reduced my hours, I will only focus on paying the minimum of the bills, since to me it’s simply a black hole and getting my business up I need money for promotional material, advertising, and keeping my domains up and running. I’ve been doing what I can for a very long while, and axing that for the house I simply object to it.
Also side note – I looked into selling Life insurance and I quickly decided not to get into that since it was a beast all on it’s own. I need to stay focused on my projects and side hustle selling my services to business and individuals who need to get stuff done. I will also delegate/contract work to others who need it. My future 10 year plan is to create a studio of talented folks to do this sort of stuff, but I need to make it happen today first by making it work with my own talents.
The rest below I drafted it back in July, but after my meeting in August 12 with my siblings, then getting my wisdom tooth taken out, my mind totally changed. So I reworded a few things and now I don’t plan on moving until I get shit done here first. I need to push my business to the next level, then when I have enough money, move out slowly.
… I really don’t have much to say anymore. It’s been weeks and I haven’t been able to do what I listed to do. I’m just gonna repeat myself over again and my life is in a locked down state of affairs. People around me want me to be happy but shit is tough. I have no real motivator that says “if you feel ___ is holding you back, then move on”. This relates to work as a cashier, which is extremely limiting and redundantly monotonous. For the first time in my life trying that position out, after a whole year, I have to conclude that it really sucks as is but it has some good elements. It’s truly a dead end position though, there is no way around it. I have to complain about this because I’m burned out with it (at the time of this writing in July). Then the chain reaction of working so hard, standing up for hours on end, feeling the burn on my feet, getting back discomfort, just so I get so little from it and be short on bills, I get lost and feel what is the whole point of it? I truly feel I’m stuck. I try to look for other ways and places to work but that can’t be done either because of time needed and the level of uncertainty also disapproval from my family if I even try to rent out a spot in my dwelling.
Look, we all are here to enjoy life in all aspects of it. Be it with lots of sacrifice/investment in getting to our goals, so that it will feel much more meaningful, but we all know that the most valuable thing in this entire universe is our time. In of itself is finite, and having to earn for the fiscal year $8,000 all then just to see so little from it, living paycheck to paycheck, for months on end, to work for days doing something you don’t feel happy in, simply feels like life is wasted even when all you have earned disappears in a snap. I have so many goals set that I would love to reach them, but right now my challenge to stay on course has been truly hard. Thankfully I am blessed with things and forces beyond my own, giving me the chance to roll out as much as I can. I have a wonderful Girlfriend now that understands me, that motivates me. I have a family that will back me up if issues arise. I got it. No questions ask. It’s also a blessing that I have a job to begin with. At least it makes me look at things with contrast between it being bad as it is and also helping just a bit to live day by day.
What I am saying here is that I don’t want to spoil my time. I got stuff to do. That’s why I have a secret milestone. It’s just a measurement from the first day of the year to today. How much I can save for just 2 months worth and how much I pay for bills in the grand total scheme.
It’s all to see my options. The big prime objectives are constant though, in which I want to save for my game development stuff. I managed to do that with a job as a cashier, holding up in being a “homeowner” (really I’m just a stand in, in an awkward stance about it that nobody can ever understand but my family). My plans initially in the summer was to move out of “my” house. That plan was gonna roll out and take 4 months for me to accumulate what I need to get everything together but at the end I decide against that because my real goal was not yet fulfilled, which is my game developments and projects. Originally everything was going to go to storage, which will be my motion when I do execute it after I’m done with my current developments and financial goals.
Now you are asking, why? Because family drama. Everything was alright until a member stepped in and pushed his ideals on to everyone else, starting in 2014. Things have been slowly shifting towards the plans of purging everything new in “his” image. I don’t share such an ideal because mines have been consistent throughout all time, which is basically work on my projects and keep things as is. I want to maintain historical elements but since my parents gave up on the house long ago, it’s pretty much just for him now, because “there isn’t any other options” that feels lucrative than to set it up how he wants it. So, to get out of his way and not waste his energy, after I’m done with what I have to focus on first, I’ll move.
Getting away will help psychologically and emotionally. There won’t be any need of him plotting for me to leave and I won’t have any more anxiety attacks or overthinking about that. Years of work won’t be threaten like the way it has been, and it’s basically me fighting to protect my life’s work. All the art and development will be placed in storage containers and other extra stuff too once I’m able to do so. I just feel stuck and the best thing to do now is focus on my talents and keep searching for leads to get to my goals.
Anyways, now I have someone I promised a future with. This means letting go of the past. This exchange of value will only yield me, with hard work, something way better than just this house. This is my belief.
Another thing is that I’ve been largely dormant on actions I must execute to save my ass. I’ve been dependent on my sibling for a very long while in the midst of this transition, oddly. Is because of all the paperwork that has been processed without any detail passed on to me to see. Just like the electricity winter fiasco, where i didn’t know who was controlling the account and why they were charging such a high premium, I solved that issue by calling and changing things up under my name. There are other things still I don’t know what’s happening at all, and that unknown is the root of my siblings anxiety attacks. So I can’t blame him for being so rough, it is because shit gotta get paid or the house will be taken away. This is why I’m alright now to sell it, but my brother has other plans.
Again, some of these things are communicated in high anxiety arguments when things haven’t been talked about before. I’m pretty much walking in the dark here, bumping into walls. This whole experience has sucked me dry from doing anything creative and has delayed my projects. This is when I realized, when I was in connecticut with my girlfriend, that I have to do some drastic changes before winter comes again, and now we start the fall season. Shit is gonna get hard.
With all that said, I’ll do what I can about the content and website. No deadline set which means no promises.
Thanks for reading and caring about the matter. Next update will be when I get a chance. Right now I enjoyed my hours being cut down to only work on weekends, which is actually working well as a good strategy to keep me afloat. It’s giving me time to focus on my projects big time, but I’m low on cash so I recently requested more hours again, but that will be just to get enough money to invest so I can then focus on the next campaign and await for potential leads to come.
I wanted to be clear first that this is my personal blog and want to warn you guys that my grammar isn’t going to be professional. I am always learning new english techniques from folks who do know more than me and I will always try to be better every time I can on each post I do. Sometimes I will rush things so I apologize in advance. The whole point is to clearly communicate my thoughts to the reader through this page as transparent as possible. As for Mariolegend.com, that I will get an editor to help me formulate better articles going forward. This is only a heads up note just in case those who do wander in here, and have an english major under their belts, know that this shit is what it is – me.
With that said let’s go on with the actual stuff I gotta tell you guys about in this post.
First I want to apologize for not posting at all for the last few weeks. It’s been very transformative to say the lease. What had happened is that I got myself in trouble romantically, but financially I’ve been in “Grit & Grind Survival Mode” which basically means work hard in silence and save every dime I can for the future. All of the month of May I’ve been also trying to pre-produce the setup of my stop-motion animation project. I hit a few snag(s) but I’m still sort of on track with it. The reason why I’m uncertain is because I have a few conditions that are prioritized for that project, in which I don’t know if I’m going to successfully pull it off, before my brother decides to face me about working on the house. So what I’m doing is focusing on the story and environment I have (like a toy story narrative crossing with my original stop motion project from 20 years ago) to be able to fully tell my tale.
On a side note about fan made projects, the landscape of copyright and fair use has been heating up badly. Just to cut a long story short, companies have been fighting to take down folks who use their intellectual properties with anything they can. Since this stop-motion project was produced 21 years ago (1998), I did not know anything about copyright stuff at all – I was just a kid who celebrated and loved being in the many worlds from the games and animations I experienced back then. The therapeutic and ritual aspects of this is that it helps me move on to the next part of my life. So when I did the stop-motion back then, it was saying goodbye to my habits of playing with toys in general and moving them in bins forever. Since Toy Story 3 was basically that part of my life, I instead made a huge and very impressive production from it that totals 3 hours long. The last 30 minutes of the video are lost (but I’m trying to retrieve it) since my digital 8 camcorder is defective and I need to see if sending it to a service that can convert the tape into an mp4 will help the cause.
But anyways, I’m redoing a lot of the production for Season 1 of Famicom Land. Season 2 is, in a different take, where I’m working on now because it’s the current setting of discovery since the schematics of the house has changed a lot and will drastically change in the next few months if I don’t put the pedal to the metal. As for the time it takes place, both seasons are 5 thousand years apart, and introduces M (Mariolegend, who is my alter ego/persona of another instance of space-time) that creates also a crossing between the Tribus Fabula universe into the game universe. Lately though for the story, I thought up that it will play out as a parallel universe that takes place in my own world but some objects are alive within my house (as if Toy Story was live action in a way) and my alter-ego is transformed into a Toy himself, rediscovering the world and unlocking the characters that survived the cataclysmic event in season 1.
So with that covered, I also wanted to talk about my G-Legend Specials that I’m working on now.
There are many G-Legend Specials I’m working on such as; G-Spirit Versus Omega-G: First Assault, GerardoLegend 2019: A walk for hunger, G-Journal Special: Green Summer Heart, and G-Spirit Vs Omega-G: Smash out! (A live stream event, 3 players against the CPU that will play as Omega-G)
The theme here is going to work as a pixelated retro look and I’m first working on the consistency as I progress through production of it but first I’m concentrated on the stop-motion animation project pre-production setup before I can go ahead with the other stuff.
Since the trends of my schedule now is having Thursdays and fridays off, I’ve been using them to draw out my plans and write down things, and as well my time has diminished greatly because I’m also focused romantically on a new person in my life. This I will save the tale to be told in G-Journal Special: Green Summer Heart.
As for my suicidal bad side, it’s mute now for the time being. I’ve been keeping it at bay, and my new love has helped me cope by giving me new hope, as well I’ve been staying very busy and feeling confident about things in general.
Another side note, my depression has injured me to the point where my intellect has lowered down. What happens is that the hippocampus gets damaged permanently from long episodes, and things get really frustrating when calling back to common knowledge. In a nerdy sense, I 404 all the time when people ask me about stuff, more so when I don’t get sufficient rest while going through the course of the week at work. I’m recovering now from burnout and using the projects above as therapy for myself to get back to it again. I still hate my circumstance at work but I am trying to find new ways to use my skills to help others and find new leads to establish an alternative set of income. It all has to do with patience and I discovered that I need to just keep up at it and focus on controlling myself from going off the handle. Success is simply around the corner if I stay the course, as I generally tell myself now.
I feel much more confident than the last 2 months before, after the tarot reading, thus confirming my success – is just all about patience and perseverance.
With all that dropped, I wish you, my awesome reader, a wonderful summer, until next time…
Update May 24 2019: So successfully my friends came through last night (May 23rd 2019) to help defeat Omega-G and ward him off my account. With this, my twitter account has been saved and unlocked. All my tweets are public again and I feel like a new beginning has started with this.
It was so much fun role playing with my twitter friends. This was an experiment on how I can make a “social” game run online without programming involved. It was also a testament to my mutuals if they cared to join my game. What was real here was that I was going to delete my account if no one cared to engage in time. That sense of urgency also helped to make this playthrough much more intense. The responses I made from both @Mariolegend_ & @Gerardolegend accounts were all done in real-time too. It took me 20 to 35 minutes to draw up the scenes of each attack dealt against Omega-G. I was so focused but it was so much fun! I wish I can find a way to reduce the time of each composition and post it as fast as I can. With this in mind, I’m developing the HTML5 RPG for Mariolegend.com in a toolset called Smile Game Builder, in which is a level editor/RPG maker engine that can extend to Unity game engine. Thus It will be a social media game experiment that will play out similar to the first event with a more efficient way of having the scenarios playout to maximize the fun!
You see, I was growing really bored of my account and I noticed that I didn’t have anything to show because game development really takes everything from me, and I don’t have the time I used to when I was better off. Right now I’m trying to solve so many problems, that part of my brain power isn’t focused on the fun stuff much, making it really hard to feel happy or content about my life in general. Thus I feel that a fusion of that and some make believe time with friends will make things better, and it has!!! It was so fun that now I’m going to make it something that we all can do beside playing Smash Bros, since that you require way more focus and timing. With this, we can include Smash Bros as a bonus extra and any other game that includes Miis. It can be played with just logging in Twitter and simply tweeting my account.
Therefore successfully, in which I’m forever grateful about, I got 6 friends to interact immediately the next day I summoned them to play this scenario out. I felt like a kid playing. It was reminiscent to Dungeons and Dragons, but anyone could do it at any time of the day without dice or paper. It seems I choose the right people as all of them were able to engage at night simultaneously. This has a more heighten effect in gameplay and it made it more intense and interesting. Once I’m able to get Smile Game Builder and all my art assets ready for the next event, I will see if I can then create controlled programmed scenes for everyone to play, and up the number of capable players into the fray.
Since I won’t work on Monday, Memorial day, I will be using some of my time to figure out this stuff.
Also to credit, I have Nicole T Marie and Lewmoth original music tracks for the next event since this is my Tribus Fabula project and I have some cool works already in the mix, audio-wise. This means that once conditions are ready, I can stream on twitch with all of us playing in real-time, if it gets to that level of course! 🙂
…. I’ll detail more and update about this in the next coming weeks in a new post so stay tuned!
So ~ here is the 411:
Omega-G has captured and sealed off Gerardo into a subconscious mental prison and you, yes you the reader, can help save him! The personification of Depression, anxiety, anger, and self-destruction is the demon Omega-G. How you can help is by sending this special artifact (symbol of ReBirth and Balance) on GerardoLegend twitter handle —-
Either copy “image address” (source) on to your tweet or this address:
This is an example of a tweet posted by my buddy Tael, as an example on how the game was being played on twitter.
With this, the symbol of Awen, and as many as 6 or more mutuals and or strangers, it can ward off Omega-G from GerardoLegend’s account and prevent it from shutdown.
When countdown reaches 0 (May 26), the account will close by the will of Omega-G. You must prevent such a tragedy from happening.
How did this even happen you ask?
Omega-G was subconsciously summoned by Gerardo in his moments of distress. It is the character of negativism that has been keeped inside for so long, and now it has taken hostage the very being it was born from. It doesn’t care about life. It only feeds from everyone’s sorrows and G’s own. The symbol above is the ticket to push it into a corner, but without friends to help, it is useless. The love of people who care is required for this symbol to work. By saying, “You matter G”, and using the symbol above in a tweet will save Gerardo from oblivion.
The fight won’t end there. It will only ward off the demon and manifest itself independently from Gerardo’s body. The next battle after is defeating it in a smash bros battle ( Level 9 CPU Vs 3) in an online match that will be broadcast on Mariolegend_ twitter account the next Sunday after May 26. Anyone who wishes to fight in this battle are welcomed. Omega-G will then be a Mii fighter at maximum difficulty, so the more skilled fighters, the better!
This also won’t end there as the HTML5 RPG game, Tribus Fabula: Nightmare’s end, will be available on Mariolegend.com later this summer as an episodic series that goes deeper into the lore.
Now that you know, the inspiration in going into this stunt is to symbolize the end of one year and rebirth of a new year for me. Instead of just letting things be as it is, boring, I wanted to spice up my space with a little bit of role playing here. With all the seriousness going on, it has gotten really bad and I really felt what is truly the point of all the things in social media if we can’t even do anything. Is there to interact with each other, but it can be more! It is our escape as well! And we all love video games! I even love Dungeons and Dragons, but I can’t even get to hang out with real folks because we are so busy. So I wanted to do this instead. We can all have fun and use our imaginations! The “power-X Artifact” thing is just a story item that you can use your imagination to empower you in creating your own special abilities.
This mean you can also cast magic on to Omega-G, as in just incantate a spell of your choosing and roll the dice on how effective it is – and post that on Gerardolegend’s twitter feed (or make it up). Use the power of your mind, and let’s have fun!
So 2 weeks have passed now since PAX EAST 2019 happened. After the show, especially Sunday in which I wished to have gone, I fell into a bit of an unsettling feeling. The root of it all that I was trying to figure out for myself has to do with the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty. I have a quota I want to keep per month, and since 2 weeks ago my hours have been cut since I asked for time to go to the event, the schedule hasn’t come back to normality yet, where the lowest matching time would be above 16 hours per week, but this week I got 13 hours instead. Since I get paid bi-weekly, just calculating in this period in time, I will only get $371 after taxes (estimated), in which totalling from the previous check, $913, which is the estimated amount per month I get to cover for food, utilities, house tax, house insurance, and entertainment. This is not mentioning that I also have backed debts as well as I invest in my business side with the money I earn through my job. Thankfully I have my brother who earns way more than me to cover the big stuff and has a more consistent schedule than I do.
Furthermore, the pressure isn’t as high thanks to my younger sibling luck in getting more hours in. I still want to be able to pull my part but it has been really tough because I’m not hitting that specific number for the month. On average I get 900 a month, which I can’t even do much with it as 600 of it goes for everything I mentioned above, then contend with food. I might sound like a brat here but this is why I fall into a consistent cycle of depression. This is why I have started to pull back on updating because there is an ocean of bad moments, which sounds like complaining all the time, and only just a handful of celebratory moments that I can share. I wish I can, but life sucks for me right now that I can’t see it in the present. Hell I’m super numb about it that the only way to help it is to write it out here.
I’m putting it out there just to let you guys know that at this time of my life, it’s still very low even though it is way higher than last year. I still need to push myself to breakthrough this barrier. I have been fearing that once my crohns comes back, in which it has been in remission, that I won’t be able to do this style of work anymore. Overthinking as I usually do, I’m really concerned with the future. This is why I mentioned on social media that I need to do a big change. The main focus is to keep this site and my network alive for a bit longer before I can finish up on my big pies to start presenting next year. My motivation though has been at a stand still because of this overwhelming feeling. Trust me, It pains me to the point I had so many thoughts of suicide and just ending sounds so sweet and easy just because I fear disaster so much.
The true path, in which sounds way better money earning wise, I should have saved up to get my Adobe Pro certification. It cost $180.00 to register and take the exam. There are other cost layered on top of that, but if I get it, then I can actually share my achievement on social media and on freelancing sites like UpWork and Fiverr. This is only just a start, as I need to focus on finding a physical job that does graphic design or user design/experience. They are classes for those subjects that I can focus on after my certification, but in the meanwhile from all of this, the main passionate directive is still my game project. The problem is that I need money and developing my game takes a lot of time and focus to do. Developing a product won’t yield me any money at all until it’s ready for market, to even have that risk. In that time I need a secured income to cover the costs of living, breathing, and utility to make this real. Depression has hit me hard and uncertainty fills me with anxiety.
Financial security is number 1 on my priority right now. This is how I can pay my music and graphic artists as well as programmers. No monetary incentive, no game folks. Plain and simple.
This is why my despairing feelings feeds my depression and anxiety. I just want to know that for the meantime I’ll be alright and that I can continue without progress being interrupted. Is that simple. The quota per month that I require is $1300, that’s all. Nothing big in 2019, and I can finally feel fine and focus without having to complain about it. This is why I was saddened that I lost the spot at Seaport for the night shift as security. That would have lessen the physical pains and would help me enter a more balanced state.
Recently I’ve been feeling aches under my belly, the spot where the doctors took out 2 feet of intestines. This could mean my crohns is coming back from remission. I’ve only had 2 remissions before because I could control my shit, but the past 9 months have been really bad, habits wise. So I’m not surprised but a bit scared about this. I don’t want all my guts to get cut out. I want to restore my health again. This means taking drastic measures in avoiding smoke and alcohol (specialist recommendations). This includes cutting back on junk food too, and make my lazy way to making healthy meals. If I don’t adhere to the signs (discomfort before pain), then I’m gonna be in really bad shape.
So with that expressed, you guys already know. I need to get into shape and push away whatever negativity that may be. Sadly this only means less social party meet ups because they would normally include smoke and alcohol. This is why I only party as if I was a kid, playing video games, because I’m not a normally functioning adult that booze up and watch sports to ease up. Unfortunately I have to be picky about this or the quality of life for me will be shit going forward if I follow the crowd. Is that understandable?
In between all of this, folks also ask “why not do programming?” in which my reply is basically I’m stupid emotional. I terribly hate looking up on the screen and stare at code. I do it because I need to realize a concept, but doing it to help others I won’t because I don’t have the patience. If I don’t even have the patience for myself, why even go in the direction to teach anyone. I’m not even competent about it though in which I tried to learn for 10 years now.
One bad thing about being in a depressive state of mind for so long, for me, is that I noticed my brain is starting to forget everything. Complaining becomes a thing that happens a lot in my head. You then become indifferent, and you just float in space unable to react to things you have to do, but you don’t do because now perception of time has gone crazy fast. Anxiety is the results of snapping back to realize the time and then an overwhelming pressure of thoughts comes flooding in, paralyzing you. You then go numb and processing things suck monkey balls. Reaction is slow, and procrastination happens as the mind is trying to get back that energy wasted on pushing back on those thoughts. This cycles happen so fucking much that I just write off the next day. This also happens when I don’t go to work. I start fumbling and doing mistakes after a long break because my brain has been fighting itself throughout that time adjusting to the time of solitude. On that note it is why I’m really mad about the inconsistencies of my time schedule because I have to set my mind for it every week. Thus the “off days” I usually am here trying hard to figure out how to work things, worrying about tomorrow. I just want something consistent. Because after this low activity week, then there would be a high activity week afterwards. If not, then I know I’m in trouble.
Another note to consider is that at my job at the liquor store, seeing regulars and stressed out clients, has made me feel really sad about the position. Selling them their vices is like trying to comfort them to sleep with poison. All of them are loveable human characters. One of the rules in movies that make people not care for others is the fact that the characters have less screen time to find out who they were. In this scenario, the regulars and stressed out customers, come in from time to time and make you feel apart of their lives. You start caring for them. You want to comfort them but you know you can’t. It gets complicated.
This whole scene makes me feel like the world sucks. The world doesn’t suck, it just that the people are really fighting hard to live. This causes the drama and all of those emotions. For instance, there was a young lady who was purchasing a just bottle of wine but I noticed something was wrong – so I said in jest “don’t worry, you will be alright now going home with this” indicating the wine bottle, and she couldn’t hold her tears, so I asked what had happened and she said that her dog passed away as I finished the transaction. That made me sad. This wasn’t the only instance as there was another customer who brought his big greyhound in last year, but then later in winter had also passed away. You see, this is a lot. I can’t help but to grieve with them and to process this on my own.
It’s a hard job emotionally and psychologically. One wouldn’t think of it, but like water, the droplets of emotions start to errode that hard front one sets up as time goes by. It’s really tough, as I already been suffering from an emotional depressive state. You simply realize you can’t help but just do your job and go home.
Setting my mind away from all of that takes an enormous effort in my part so I can focus at home on getting in my projects. PAX EAST pretty much is my mecca and example of perseverance celebrated. The closest thing to seeing physically what I’ve been trying to do all these years is expressed on the show floor with many who have successfully punched through this wall I’m in. I was at the happiest state of mind there but I only knew it was just for that moment. Going back to my own reality…. Yup.
With all of that said, thank you for reading and hopefully I’ll have another post coming down sooner than later. I’ll be working on slowly in that PAX EAST special edition video for my GerardoLegend youtube channel in a few days so check back in or subscribe to it.
Back again, after a bit of self fixing. Things have been working out now since I’ve gotten my new job at the liquor store. I had so many nights with so many doubts. Folks who never understand why, even if things are shaping out, that negative thoughts claw themselves back into the front seat. You can feel all the good vibes in the world, and just 1 shatters everything. It doesn’t matter what happens, it’s all about perception of the individual and the world. Life is uncertain but we all use regret to better ourselves, and perception is key going forward in paving the road. To combat against the negativities, I dive into my glorious past where most of my creative energy is stored. The how i used to fill my void of that energy is surrounding myself with everything that I interface as playful.
Discovering my old VHS tapes and looking back woke me up to a realization on how I used to concentrate my creative powers into everything else. Today as an adult, I starved myself from it. This is why writer’s block happens often. My space isn’t even setup for creative purposes either and mostly I feel like suppressing this from everyone who doesn’t understand. This of course creates so much struggle within me. To release this energy from being bottled up for so long I usually have to go into “play” mode. This doesn’t mean just video games, this also is communal. What I mean is, I also need to socialize to analyze. My mind is never quiet and always is working on a creative solution. This is worse when i drink. The safest way to have fun and express is by playing video games, and that is something looked bad on me because most think that’s what i only do.
I have to confess something dark and deep here –
I’m an adult. You know, that means I also masturbate. This also means sexual tension is real. This part of being an adult is draining for me, because there are so much crap that entangles around this. Behaviors are suppressed. So this also means I spend entertainment money on this, live. Entrapped within this virtual state of being, the only cheaply way out is to communicate with a live model online. I feel so inadequate and not really confident with myself because of my standing so I get my experience elsewhere. It’s my vice, like many have their own. Who here is to judge is only on your part not mine and I don’t care anymore. This is already hard enough to write about but I do see it as a problem because it has evolved and it is threatening me. Expressively I deprive myself from any real relationship because of all the hang ups that come with it and feel it’s best to accept that my life is a failure. So having an anon moment with someone online is something easy to obtain but hard to achieve in real life, having that lustful spontaneous expression that’s pure superficialness. This adding to my frustration fuels the negative thoughts. We live in an online world anyway, and it’s just harder when you’re $-180k in the hole in a capitalistic world. I may have the looks but I’m no good for anyone, at least not at this moment in time (this is my block). Everyone perceives others in their own light, and judge them out. There isn’t much justification here, that’s why I can relate to deadpool when he was single. Anyone with human sense must understand this. I simply cannot lie, I really love big booties.
In a brighter light –
This darkside of mine, which goes deeper – I’m getting back control. The rummaging of me looking through the old 25 plus years of tape brought me back. Time travel as you will, knowing everything is one, seeing that it truly is, got me back into control. Certainty, understanding that I play a roll in my own path. The choices I make can help me go deeper into the abyss, such darkness leading me to logically think of ending my life, or choosing to surface back up by my own accords and guides of wonderful people who do show up coincidentally at the right moment when I reach out. Today, October 17, 2018, I am still in financial straits. With everything falling apart, in a micro-level, my mind wants to set up a date to phase out my own existence still. The best vibe here is that I understand why. The Why has to be strong enough to surpass the fear, and unite with it also to project forward.
I feel now, with the deep reflection of my pure past self, that the only way forward now is to have patience and take things step by small steps. The anxiety attacks I get while thinking about financial crap i settle by my own system of play. It’s truly my reset button. I get into a creative state of mind, and with that the energy to express life purely. When fear enters me or when depression and anxiety attacks, it fills my dark thoughts – and finding an orgasmic solution is a way I go about to settle such intense feelings down cheaply and swiftly.
Only after, the depression lingers and i just feel tired all day. Folks think I’m lazy, but I just don’t want to live.
The only way back is going into play mode or social contact. This is where my actual job comes in – the real reason why I’m sticking with it is because I love my co-workers and they also feel similar to my own pains. I get energized by being able to serve others and I feel useful again. This feeds my creative powers back up and I start channeling myself again to a more positive light.
So you see, I found something that counteracts the negative vibe at the moment. It’s always going to be a battle, a war. This is fine, it only shows there is a soul inside. Hope fills me, and with that I start taking risk again. Acceptance at work is the only thing i need, money is second but necessary because of the system in which we all live in.
So all of what transpired this year after the fall in February 2018 (bitcoin crash), and my programmer quitting on me (more details on that in the video below), Steve RAW materials being locked up from the public (more details in the video below), and my restarting of the dark zeta project (more details in the video below), now I feel ready to get into making stuff again.
The best of the best positive discovery here is that I found my stop motion animation still in good condition. It’s pretty rough because it was the first time I went all out to do a feature 2hrs video by using all analog setup. For those who don’t know, that means I used 2 VCR decks, 1 boombox tape recorder for audio fx and music, and recompose the movie twice! LIVE! meaning I recorded up to 3 times over again into a new VHS tape all while I’m queuing up the audio fx live. It was the biggest thing I have ever did then. On top of having all my siblings and my best buddy voice some characters – this cannot be lost and I plan to fix it up for the public view in episodic format.
So before i do get into polishing it up, I’m going to first finish my twin avatars that will be in the animation series and on both GerardoLegend youtube and Mariolegend youtube channel. This is going to take up about 2 months to make, so think of this as getting ready for 2019 media extravaganza!
As for Dark Zeta, More info in the video lol
Thank you for reading and understanding my madness. I’m just a regular joe trying my best in balancing my life together in this cyber world that we all live in. I hope you have a wonderful joyful day.