I wanted to be clear first that this is my personal blog and want to warn you guys that my grammar isn’t going to be professional. I am always learning new english techniques from folks who do know more than me and I will always try to be better every time I can on each post I do. Sometimes I will rush things so I apologize in advance. The whole point is to clearly communicate my thoughts to the reader through this page as transparent as possible. As for Mariolegend.com, that I will get an editor to help me formulate better articles going forward. This is only a heads up note just in case those who do wander in here, and have an english major under their belts, know that this shit is what it is – me.
With that said let’s go on with the actual stuff I gotta tell you guys about in this post.
First I want to apologize for not posting at all for the last few weeks. It’s been very transformative to say the lease. What had happened is that I got myself in trouble romantically, but financially I’ve been in “Grit & Grind Survival Mode” which basically means work hard in silence and save every dime I can for the future. All of the month of May I’ve been also trying to pre-produce the setup of my stop-motion animation project. I hit a few snag(s) but I’m still sort of on track with it. The reason why I’m uncertain is because I have a few conditions that are prioritized for that project, in which I don’t know if I’m going to successfully pull it off, before my brother decides to face me about working on the house. So what I’m doing is focusing on the story and environment I have (like a toy story narrative crossing with my original stop motion project from 20 years ago) to be able to fully tell my tale.
On a side note about fan made projects, the landscape of copyright and fair use has been heating up badly. Just to cut a long story short, companies have been fighting to take down folks who use their intellectual properties with anything they can. Since this stop-motion project was produced 21 years ago (1998), I did not know anything about copyright stuff at all – I was just a kid who celebrated and loved being in the many worlds from the games and animations I experienced back then. The therapeutic and ritual aspects of this is that it helps me move on to the next part of my life. So when I did the stop-motion back then, it was saying goodbye to my habits of playing with toys in general and moving them in bins forever. Since Toy Story 3 was basically that part of my life, I instead made a huge and very impressive production from it that totals 3 hours long. The last 30 minutes of the video are lost (but I’m trying to retrieve it) since my digital 8 camcorder is defective and I need to see if sending it to a service that can convert the tape into an mp4 will help the cause.
But anyways, I’m redoing a lot of the production for Season 1 of Famicom Land. Season 2 is, in a different take, where I’m working on now because it’s the current setting of discovery since the schematics of the house has changed a lot and will drastically change in the next few months if I don’t put the pedal to the metal. As for the time it takes place, both seasons are 5 thousand years apart, and introduces M (Mariolegend, who is my alter ego/persona of another instance of space-time) that creates also a crossing between the Tribus Fabula universe into the game universe. Lately though for the story, I thought up that it will play out as a parallel universe that takes place in my own world but some objects are alive within my house (as if Toy Story was live action in a way) and my alter-ego is transformed into a Toy himself, rediscovering the world and unlocking the characters that survived the cataclysmic event in season 1.
So with that covered, I also wanted to talk about my G-Legend Specials that I’m working on now.
There are many G-Legend Specials I’m working on such as; G-Spirit Versus Omega-G: First Assault, GerardoLegend 2019: A walk for hunger, G-Journal Special: Green Summer Heart, and G-Spirit Vs Omega-G: Smash out! (A live stream event, 3 players against the CPU that will play as Omega-G)
The theme here is going to work as a pixelated retro look and I’m first working on the consistency as I progress through production of it but first I’m concentrated on the stop-motion animation project pre-production setup before I can go ahead with the other stuff.
Since the trends of my schedule now is having Thursdays and fridays off, I’ve been using them to draw out my plans and write down things, and as well my time has diminished greatly because I’m also focused romantically on a new person in my life. This I will save the tale to be told in G-Journal Special: Green Summer Heart.
As for my suicidal bad side, it’s mute now for the time being. I’ve been keeping it at bay, and my new love has helped me cope by giving me new hope, as well I’ve been staying very busy and feeling confident about things in general.
Another side note, my depression has injured me to the point where my intellect has lowered down. What happens is that the hippocampus gets damaged permanently from long episodes, and things get really frustrating when calling back to common knowledge. In a nerdy sense, I 404 all the time when people ask me about stuff, more so when I don’t get sufficient rest while going through the course of the week at work. I’m recovering now from burnout and using the projects above as therapy for myself to get back to it again. I still hate my circumstance at work but I am trying to find new ways to use my skills to help others and find new leads to establish an alternative set of income. It all has to do with patience and I discovered that I need to just keep up at it and focus on controlling myself from going off the handle. Success is simply around the corner if I stay the course, as I generally tell myself now.
I feel much more confident than the last 2 months before, after the tarot reading, thus confirming my success – is just all about patience and perseverance.
With all that dropped, I wish you, my awesome reader, a wonderful summer, until next time…
…. So now that you’ve seen a deeper degree of my madness, is finally time for another insightful talk.
How you guys doing today?
I hope you guys are well. I am well as April’s end has given me a great resolution to fill me with hope. Previously I have mentioned about how deeply my status was and now I got the good news. I’m Still here. Also that I have communicated enough with all the important channels to get progress done. That means I had a good and very needed talk with my brother as the insights helped to better manage my plans going forward. I also had an upswing in more time at work that will result in having enough to save for the important things, like fixing up the house and construction of my other projects although I’m still trying to find other economic solutions.
Continuing, I didn’t know about the repercussions of me exclaiming out that core immediate feelings inside, but it helped me to cope on it and make things better by writing it on my blog and making the April 6th video. I might have made people uncomfortable as hell, even made 20+ folks unfollow me on twitter, but it’s not about everyone else, it’s about getting out that bad steam out of me regardless if folks may think I’m crazy. It was such a crushing feeling when I didn’t get the job and I needed to say something and post the video as i was afraid I would snap and implode. I had felt so alone and It is my process to talk about it and let it out. This though manifested some real people who have come up to me and made me realize about the posts. It’s only words on the screen I tell myself but it’s deeply more, and I felt trapped not knowing what else to do. By writing it out, expressing it on video, it was something I really needed to cry out, otherwise things would have gotten really bad internally. When I was a child, a teacher gave me an empty booklet made out of construction paper and told me to write my feelings into it. Ever since, it stuck on me, and I continue to do so because it’s like putting these feelings on the shelves and internalizing them would mean a total descent into madness. I do have to apologize for making those who are concerned feel bad about it. I assure to you, I’m okay and things are alright now. I know I’ll have bad days for sure but I see I got people that care. It was just a really real low point at the moment I expressed it. A new video I just posted is up to help ease your worries
… The whole point of it was to let go of that thought – This is an open diary/journal of me, Gerardo, the being that is in this reality. Why hide the truth? I’m being real… … I guess those who don’t understand and are spooked I do recogn why they think and expect of me just plainly losing it. Life is all set with ups and downs, it’s inevitable but with what extremes I’m going through at the moment of writing and videotaping, they are just that, only hard moments that will float away, specifically when I’m battling with myself. This doesn’t mean the storms will ever stop coming, it just coping and finding in myself by accepting that they are just temporary. It just some moments are so extreme, alone, I’m trying to find something to let me understand why I do feel so bad. This is when I drop it in here so that the spotlight can take place and help to remind me of that moment. It’s to let me realize what is happening as subconsciously sometimes it sneaks up and I’m not aware that I’m really that bad until someone tells me. I’m super thankful of the true friends that have sticked with me thick and through, and I’m double appreciative that of new friends entering my life and expressing their concerns. I gotta give special thanks to Tito’s girl for that realization. The last thing in my mind is to make anyone feel bad. I felt that and I told myself I need to fix it.
Accounting to a surprising moment, I stared in shock when I saw the universe truly answer my calls when a friend came in to my work. The way I see the universe deliver the message is through manifestation of repeated and amplified ways to tell me one thing and either warn me or just stuff happens. I witness first hand how blessed I am when my message of despair caught attention to individuals who responded back with love. Even when I felt so sad coming back from work one night, a stranger with a familiar face just walks me home, kinda like a guardian angel. I didn’t say anything about how I felt, but that moment just felt like a guardian angel came and saved me. That stranger only appeared once after.
These things have been happening to me, and it was a feeling like Santa came in and gave me a gift that i didn’t see coming at all. What did I do in my past life to have these things happen? It was just amazing. One thing I realize is true now – what you send out to the universe, it comes back to you, even when you’re not looking. It is just that one has to learn to see everything like glasses that see quantum particles manifesting at the speed of thought. It’s a strange world and I figure that one has to listen to oneself before one commits to sending that signal out. My mind was sending out the wrong things, to a point I almost got hit by a car in multiple occasions.
One example was a new friend, who I always light up when I see her come in the store, who I unexpectedly never have thought she would look in here and connect with my words. I saw her concern as a sign from the heavens. Yeah, corny I know but it’s true. It’s rare when that happens. This is not the only event either, much confirmative moments happened after. For instance, another new friend who I have connected in april, came with groceries to pass on to me that same night. This is not coincidental people, and this is why I see humans as humans. I see in every folk with potential of everything, and I believe more they posses to express compassion over everything else. I have been lucky to see a lot of benevolence from folks. That’s why you never know and must always treat everyone equal with love. It will come back to ya for sure.
That’s why I want to do more and become balanced so that I can too be able to give back and perpetuate out the good. Become better.
Seeing her for the first time after 11 years! And my Movie old school buddy (right) – Avengers Endgame Night
The best thing that happened in April was someone helping me understand what I have said in the past, like mentioning this blog. This is why I write these things out, so if someone gets it and it volleys back to me, I can finally see where I am stumbling and correct myself. I know it isn’t effective either and can scare away folks but I am not perfect and I only do it sublimily as sending out an S.O.S. This is why a superhero movie like Avengers endgame demonstrates the hero’s journey arc and why it is so critical as an element to use as reference of evolving through pain and obstacles that will be useful get to the next level. It’s not easy, and sometimes one will not get it the first try. Also, the movie is really that good. It gets down so deep. The message I got, since it’s subjective and it’s non-spoiler meta, is family. We are all family. That’s what I got from the film and it’s relative to the feeling of unity and how there are amazing people out there.
Furthermore I feel a need of apologizing because i don’t mean to make those people feel anxiety over me. The universe has always tried to reach out with many different signals. I just gotta listen to it and try my best to tune down the noise in my head. If I’m not, I want someone to slap me so I can snap out or just a hug will do. It’s hard though, and that’s why I feel blessed to my amazement that I got good people on my side.
Now moving along, the good news is that I got to see someone who I haven’t seen in so very long. 11 years? The point is I was happy to see that special person again. The meeting made me more grounded and hopeful. She was a catalyst long ago on how I had to wake up from a dream and realize things with myself. It was a start in trying to open up my eyes. She might not understand how important she was to me then, but like how the universe acts in strange ways, she was the herald that made me realize there was more beyond the walls. She made the virtual, real.
Going now into detail about how to physically help myself is that I also realize my internal fight is connected to my diet and lifestyle. I need vitamins and minerals for my brain. Sleep is also important but I’m not doing justice when I need to stick with going to sleep early in when I need to focus on my job. I do have a few other folks helping me with nutrition advice but I have to help myself first so it can be effective. I’ve been putting off eating normally and healthy since my income decreased this month and ever since I started working at the liquor store 9 months ago, just plain bad habits of eating unhealthy things fueled the downward spiral. Not to mention that I didn’t hit the amount I required monetarily, and the result of that I’m pretty much having a hard time but the good news is that my compassionate friends already have helped me survive <3
Continuing, I’m very much am a hard headed fool, and I already cut down so much spending in April that got me really emotional because it’s just generally frustrating. It feels like I’m floating in space with almost no food or power to navigate to my destination. But do you know what? I’m very fortunate to be present today that love me. I got to realize so many spectacular things, watched a fantastic movie, on top of having to see someone very special to me on that same day. Universe saying a lot in just 24 hours in which it has been building for some time now. Then the next day to even add to that with an eye opener second half start of my shift at work. Totally incredible. Pretty much I take the message as “be patient and keep moving, you will see…”. That message has always been repeated so many times, in so many forms, and again my mind blocked it and instead filled it with anxious thoughts that has taken me deeper into despair.
One other thing is, the universe doesn’t act on the ocean of low vibrating darkness quicker than the specks of high vibrating light that fills the void. Itty bitty specks of light fends the darkness away. Now Imagine if that lightwave is amplified, it can shine out the void. The thing is, everything in the universe is balanced out. What I figured is that my fear, the darkness that pulls me down, is of disaster but I have to find a way to overcome it. One of those things is to let life be, and not be bothered by the material momentos. Letting go of things I have no control of, and look on what I really desire to manifest in life. Tell the universe now what I really want and need to unleash the version of myself that I, at heart, want to truly become. Focus that energy so it can become clear, and have patience. The most important part is, have fun while doing all of that.
Google Plus account based from Myspace account
Now going back a bit to explain something in which i find relative to this, is the reason in the past I titled myself as “Lost G” was because the spiraling out mindset always surfaces when I get lost in my own noggin. I try to get out, but the only signals that help pull me from it are people who are nearby me that I feel connected to. I’ve been spoiled by being with my family, and now not being able to be united with them fills me with sorrow. I took it for granted for so long I never thought I would be alone. The reflection of my heart then pulls me back on my feet and I start dancing again. The desire to realize the dream comes back. The dream in being with my family together, showcasing my art to them. A reality now that I feel is just wishful thinking. If anything, family can mean other things and the universe can grant it in essence of that concept. This is when the universe transforms everything to accommodate and form that new reality. It’s hard to change and accept, and even though one wishes for it, I believe you have to take everything with that wish to manifest that new reality. That’s when help is needed to cope with that transformation because it’s gonna be really hard. You have to ex_change, which the ego will fight to find a middle ground for. Attachments will make it harder.
Now moving forward, for the final days of year 37, I’m gonna make it count by setting my creative plans and working with managing my time better. What I desire now is to be able to continue working on game development and get better at storytelling. Since my time is limited with one particular project, Famicom Land S2, I need to hurry up and capture my environment first before construction obstructs my goals for that project.
Anyway, I got lots of stuff to do as you already see and I hope you, the reader, stay with me. It’s gonna be good when everything finally comes together.
Tribus Fabula RPG
But quickly going back to a critical point, the mindset of self-harm for me only manifest when I corner myself in a deep feeling of defeat. That root of me, that I understand now, has to do with attachments. The special conditions why is because I want to protect those momentos. In the past how I dealt with it was to create something significant to remember it by creating an art piece. The first huge shift I had to let go was back in 1998 with Famicom Land. That was created in the premise to remember that time when my environment and state of life was and now no longer exist. The last one was when I moved to Boston from San Francisco. This again is repeating, and my plan is to create something that, artistically, can reflect and mark this time so when the highs do come, I can really appreciate it and feel I earned it and enjoy it.
Thus why now I need to make haste. I wasted too much time being paralyzed with fear and Famicom Land will be my project for the next few weeks. I just need to capture key shots for the video and write the next chapter before construction happens later in the summer that may obstruct this. I know, it’s a last minute thing it feels, but I have been planning for a while about it. It’s just you already know, depression can be a bitch.
So with that said, good things are coming along. It’s going to be hard, but I now see I do have heroes amongst me. The website Mariolegend.com is almost ready, I’m also getting ready my games to post on the site in the arcade section later in the year, as well working on the video section some more. The front page will change once it gets closer to the official launch time. Everything is going into Mariolegend.
Alright amigos, thank you for reading and caring. Catch you guys later.
It’s been a month since I last updated in here so here is the stuff.
Last month I had faced many challenges and have totally dominated in getting back on my feet again, at least a little bit to the positive side. After that I’m now working on my counterpart persona website, Mariolegend.
In this site I’ll mainly focus on multimedia stuff and as well use it as my main portfolio spot.
So everyone is talking about what they have experienced in 2018, right? Well, it’s my turn to tackle this as well. I really don’t want to look back at the bad stuff that has happened, but the good stuff won’t have that shine if i don’t. So let’s get deep into the bad stuff first.
Side Note:This is a script for my video I’m presenting as well. I feel it makes it easier for people to choose either to read it or just listen to me read it out loud to you. It also helps me keep on track on what I’m doing in the video now, as I can’t wing it anymore like i used to because my mind just can’t.
Alright,
The first thing that happened that continued from November 2017 to January of this year is the bitcoin craze. All of the world was watching in as cryptocurrency stormed into town with new innovative concepts that can help humanity advance into a new more personal world for everyone in the globe. This is actually nothing new as it was something that has been happening now for the last 10 years. But sadly it was as expected a short lived thrillride that fascinated many in getting into it. The biggest of the promises is basically getting rich with the explosive trends. Bitcoin felt like an element that would have changed everything the way we lived by introducing blockchain in many places in our industrial world.
That is still pending, but sadly I won’t see anyone adopting bitcoin in a very long while. The scene has drastically changed and evolved to the point in making bitcoin obsolete for whoever wants to jump in now. The common man won’t ever need to use it as cash anymore. It’s a novel idea now, and only the crowd was interested in leaving the control of the Fiat currency, but instead, cried like a baby for governments to instill their corrupted hands on to it and deliver it back to the world power of the international monetary fund. Thus rules in place blocked concepts like crypto from ever gaining any dominance although not absolutely. There is still potential that the world will adopt a better world currency that bitcoin promised.
The IRS has put penalties to anyone who tries to incur crypto without reporting it. That by itself stops anyone below the middle class from ever adopting it. Even though 10 years have passed since bitcoin got introduced, I feel we need at least 30 years more for the world to comprehend it and make the crypto market mature enough for everyone to be in it. The Status quo never changed after the tsunami of bitcoin in the year 2017, but it gave rise to shady pyramid dealings with folks who thought they were protected by the element of anonymity by getting into crypto. The IRS isn’t stupid, they prepare themselves for anything that remotely seems like counterfeiting or schemes that try to undermine them and the very system we all are in.
This is why everyone flocked so hard on Bitcoin, because it is the new wild west. No rules, new frontier, with promise of great wealth and riches one would only dream about. This was true to only that 1% who won the lottery, but not for me or my family. We got tricked into the whole craze late in the game. I wanted to learn more about it but not like the way i carried it out. I feel so heartbroken about it and lost when all the money just simply disappeared in the rollercoaster ride that was bitcoin. I was just too clumsy and dumb to understand this new thing, and many have gotten burned by this too.
I went and invested in websites that promised returns, that vanished within 3 weeks of their arrival. Thousands gone. I thought there were people who believed in changing the world, but instead acted in the shadows to deceive and trap those who acted to find riches as fast as abnormally possible. Seeing examples of many who have won, it felt like a mosh pit of zombies wanting to get rich quick. My father bombarded by fear and stress, was getting convinced by a crook who just wanted to absorb as much money for himself as humanly possible, praying on my stroke-ill parent who only wanted for his family to be at peace.
Bitcoin was in the center of this hallucination. This is the true experience and why bitcoin globally will not be taken seriously for a very long time with the average joe. This is why the market dived once all the schemes were revealed by the governments as games to hurt the innocent. This is why the giant tech companies had to block crypto ads to parent the innocent who just wanted to break away from their hell.
This all happened within 7 months in 2017, and concluded in April of 2018.
Just in how crypto fell in value, I decided to go back into game development, and put the last of what I had, money value-wise, into it.
I just wanted to get a prototype working so i can tell everyone about my game and be able to find others to help me push forward this 7 year old project that originally was a story I started 20 years ago. I worked on this so much and so hard. So I seeked for someone to help me advance to the next level in making it a reality. I projected to have an alpha build by June of 2018, but that didn’t happened. Instead, i missed the deadline I had to submit to Boston Festival of Indie games, and I slided into a deep depression that caused a suicidal episode. My parents telling me they are gonna sell the house didn’t help at all with me feeling any better.
I had cut my wrist, knowing that i can’t go on anymore. The debt overhead, the house, letting my parents down on the bitcoin bullshit, letting my family down in general just had me spiritually defeated. My dreams crumbled. My heart crushed in a million pieces. Then after I felt really dark and hopeless. I really just wanted to end my life.
In July 2018, my wisdom tooth broke. I was malnourished, my body was showing signs of breaking down. I was suffering pains as well. The heartbreak was too much, but then my parents, helped me at this time. I had to choose to wake up from this down turn. I tried to recover myself from it by taking vitamins that helped with my mood, but it wasn’t enough. I was still feeling dead inside.
My parents then suggested for me to leave with them to florida for a good 3 weeks. AND just when I was getting ready to leave, my desktop computer just goes bad on me. I couldn’t finish my 3D model I was working on, so I left it alone and just… Go to florida and focus on family.
That helped a little. I got to see my niece for the first time. I went to disney world… That was such a good highlight. but more on that later-
It helped, the bad feelings were subsiding. Then i texted my brother and told him to help me. He agreed to find me a spot at his job. Thus another miracle right there-
Okay, I guess 1 more bad moment before I go into the good.
The final nail of hurt was September 29, 2018, where I missed Boston Festival of Indie games because the guy who promised me to work on my game had vanished. Then I get a text from him saying he can’t continue any longer because of the technical conditions set and also he was suffering. He hasn’t had any other job but making games for others, and at that time he didn’t have any income. The pressure in paying rent was there, and the agreement had to be broken. It wasn’t fulfilled, he wasn’t able to do the battle mode I paid him for to do because of technicalities that discouraged him from doing so. That’s why I told him to do what he can. He succeeded in making it the character move and climb ladders but no battle mode because, again, the package library that was being used was a pain to understand it.
That killed me. That hurt a lot. I was looking forward in seeing what he could have done.
Then I got scammed again on instagram.
At this point, in late October, consider me not feeling anything anymore about life. Reality hit so hard that I just became numb falling deeper into despair. My health diminishing as I put energy into my new job, and nothing to look forward for the future but bills and more debt. depression had set in again really hard, and I tried to “work it out” by just focusing on my job but I just got lost more and more into my negative thoughts.
Instead, work helped to put a hold on those thoughts until I returned home.
It has been really tough to do anything creative since then. Even to stream live was just so hard for me.
~Now enter the positive parts of the year~
My wisdom tooth breaking smacked me with some sense. I realized I had to wake up from this feeling and I pushed hard. I got angry against this negative bind my mind had over me. Then the trip to Florida helped a lot. Meeting my Niece for the first time was a wonderful experience, not adding that my sister took me to Volcano Bay at Universal Studio park. We even went to Downtown Disney. It was a great time that blinked me back into sense.
Then to my surprise, my brother had actually got me a spot at his job right after I arrived back home from spending the time with my parents and sister. This happened right in August 2018.
I got to see my brother get married. I made new friends. I’m still without working phone service lol
My parents got to fly over and experience my brother’s wedding as well. They stayed home until late October, then they left back to Florida. It was a great time, putting my focus on grinding and paying back what was owed.
I also started saving up for the Nintendo Switch in late September 2018.
My job has been very welcoming with great people to work with. The pay is meh, but it doesn’t hurt at all to know that the ensemble of workers are super kind and wonderful. It makes me care more about the place.
Then I was invited to go to a meeting of entrepreneurs called the moonlighters. That was good and I felt I made progress in being brave and going alone. later in November, my sister gave both me and my brother a huge surprise that basically turned things really interesting for the next couple of years.
As for my health – to find a balance, I intensely switched into vegan/pescaperian diet. It has resulted in more stamina and agility than what I had eating meat. Alas, it has been hard to cut away 100% in eating dairy foods, but I keep it at a minimal. I notice that when I do eat meat, I get sick for 2 days but when i do grains and soy products, I tend to get back that lost energy. Even giving up eating bread helped in alleviate my asthma, surprisingly for me. This also helps to control that depressive mental state a little bit. It doesn’t get rid of it though. Reality is still there.
Rocking hard 5 weeks streak of working, i hit a all time high in earnings in November at $1,900. I wasn’t even counting but the bank reported in the amount and I was shocked. Since it’s the maximum most busiest time at my job, they gave me the extra hours. This gave way to me being able to get a Nintendo Switch Smash Bros edition at the day of release in November. I immediately had buyers remorse, so I placed the item in the attic until it was time to break it out in December.
After all of that, entering December, I was able to pay my electric bill in full confidence. I’ve been saving up my power use at home, and working extra hours helped to cut down on electricity use.
I’m in total efficiency mode. It helped my brother focus more on the bigger picture as well, which is paying the other stuff that are equally as important. The only trouble here is saving for the biggest bill coming up in February 2019 – In this note, I have to grind hard and ask for extra hours at work to cover this one.
So there is an immense progressively positive movement here. I’m single, so I don’t have anyone telling me to do stuff. That’s where I have to really be hard on myself because there is no one that will give me that hard love than I. It’s hard. I’m getting forgetful on things, so I’m losing stuff too.
I’m alone.
You may take it as a negative, but it is also a positive. I’m happy in being alone, but having someone extra reminding me or watching my back would be super great! I just am not that lucky right now to have anyone like that with me. If you do, treasure them.
With that said, thank you for having the time to take all that in.
Back again, after a bit of self fixing. Things have been working out now since I’ve gotten my new job at the liquor store. I had so many nights with so many doubts. Folks who never understand why, even if things are shaping out, that negative thoughts claw themselves back into the front seat. You can feel all the good vibes in the world, and just 1 shatters everything. It doesn’t matter what happens, it’s all about perception of the individual and the world. Life is uncertain but we all use regret to better ourselves, and perception is key going forward in paving the road. To combat against the negativities, I dive into my glorious past where most of my creative energy is stored. The how i used to fill my void of that energy is surrounding myself with everything that I interface as playful.
Discovering my old VHS tapes and looking back woke me up to a realization on how I used to concentrate my creative powers into everything else. Today as an adult, I starved myself from it. This is why writer’s block happens often. My space isn’t even setup for creative purposes either and mostly I feel like suppressing this from everyone who doesn’t understand. This of course creates so much struggle within me. To release this energy from being bottled up for so long I usually have to go into “play” mode. This doesn’t mean just video games, this also is communal. What I mean is, I also need to socialize to analyze. My mind is never quiet and always is working on a creative solution. This is worse when i drink. The safest way to have fun and express is by playing video games, and that is something looked bad on me because most think that’s what i only do.
I have to confess something dark and deep here –
I’m an adult. You know, that means I also masturbate. This also means sexual tension is real. This part of being an adult is draining for me, because there are so much crap that entangles around this. Behaviors are suppressed. So this also means I spend entertainment money on this, live. Entrapped within this virtual state of being, the only cheaply way out is to communicate with a live model online. I feel so inadequate and not really confident with myself because of my standing so I get my experience elsewhere. It’s my vice, like many have their own. Who here is to judge is only on your part not mine and I don’t care anymore. This is already hard enough to write about but I do see it as a problem because it has evolved and it is threatening me. Expressively I deprive myself from any real relationship because of all the hang ups that come with it and feel it’s best to accept that my life is a failure. So having an anon moment with someone online is something easy to obtain but hard to achieve in real life, having that lustful spontaneous expression that’s pure superficialness. This adding to my frustration fuels the negative thoughts. We live in an online world anyway, and it’s just harder when you’re $-180k in the hole in a capitalistic world. I may have the looks but I’m no good for anyone, at least not at this moment in time (this is my block). Everyone perceives others in their own light, and judge them out. There isn’t much justification here, that’s why I can relate to deadpool when he was single. Anyone with human sense must understand this. I simply cannot lie, I really love big booties.
In a brighter light –
This darkside of mine, which goes deeper – I’m getting back control. The rummaging of me looking through the old 25 plus years of tape brought me back. Time travel as you will, knowing everything is one, seeing that it truly is, got me back into control. Certainty, understanding that I play a roll in my own path. The choices I make can help me go deeper into the abyss, such darkness leading me to logically think of ending my life, or choosing to surface back up by my own accords and guides of wonderful people who do show up coincidentally at the right moment when I reach out. Today, October 17, 2018, I am still in financial straits. With everything falling apart, in a micro-level, my mind wants to set up a date to phase out my own existence still. The best vibe here is that I understand why. The Why has to be strong enough to surpass the fear, and unite with it also to project forward.
I feel now, with the deep reflection of my pure past self, that the only way forward now is to have patience and take things step by small steps. The anxiety attacks I get while thinking about financial crap i settle by my own system of play. It’s truly my reset button. I get into a creative state of mind, and with that the energy to express life purely. When fear enters me or when depression and anxiety attacks, it fills my dark thoughts – and finding an orgasmic solution is a way I go about to settle such intense feelings down cheaply and swiftly.
Only after, the depression lingers and i just feel tired all day. Folks think I’m lazy, but I just don’t want to live.
The only way back is going into play mode or social contact. This is where my actual job comes in – the real reason why I’m sticking with it is because I love my co-workers and they also feel similar to my own pains. I get energized by being able to serve others and I feel useful again. This feeds my creative powers back up and I start channeling myself again to a more positive light.
So you see, I found something that counteracts the negative vibe at the moment. It’s always going to be a battle, a war. This is fine, it only shows there is a soul inside. Hope fills me, and with that I start taking risk again. Acceptance at work is the only thing i need, money is second but necessary because of the system in which we all live in.
So all of what transpired this year after the fall in February 2018 (bitcoin crash), and my programmer quitting on me (more details on that in the video below), Steve RAW materials being locked up from the public (more details in the video below), and my restarting of the dark zeta project (more details in the video below), now I feel ready to get into making stuff again.
The best of the best positive discovery here is that I found my stop motion animation still in good condition. It’s pretty rough because it was the first time I went all out to do a feature 2hrs video by using all analog setup. For those who don’t know, that means I used 2 VCR decks, 1 boombox tape recorder for audio fx and music, and recompose the movie twice! LIVE! meaning I recorded up to 3 times over again into a new VHS tape all while I’m queuing up the audio fx live. It was the biggest thing I have ever did then. On top of having all my siblings and my best buddy voice some characters – this cannot be lost and I plan to fix it up for the public view in episodic format.
So before i do get into polishing it up, I’m going to first finish my twin avatars that will be in the animation series and on both GerardoLegend youtube and Mariolegend youtube channel. This is going to take up about 2 months to make, so think of this as getting ready for 2019 media extravaganza!
As for Dark Zeta, More info in the video lol
Thank you for reading and understanding my madness. I’m just a regular joe trying my best in balancing my life together in this cyber world that we all live in. I hope you have a wonderful joyful day.
The best of the best positive discovery here is that I found my stop motion animation still in good condition. It’s pretty rough because it was the first time I went all out to do a feature 2hrs video by using all analog setup. For those who don’t know, that means I used 2 VCR decks, 1 boombox tape recorder for audio fx and music, and recompose the movie twice! LIVE! meaning I recorded up to 3 times over again into a new VHS tape all while I’m queuing up the audio fx live. It was the biggest thing I have ever did then. On top of having all my siblings and my best buddy voice some characters – this cannot be lost and I plan to fix it up for the public view in episodic format.